George and Katrina.

Turn on your television. Pick up a newspaper. Read about and see the photos and watch the video of the unfathomably widespread and deadly damage left in Hurricane Katrina's wake. Eighty percent of New Orleans is under water. Dead bodies are floating in flooded neighborhoods, and rescue workers have been forced to push the corpses to the side in their efforts to evacuate survivors. In Biloxi, Mississippi, thirty people are believed to have died when a beachfront apartment complex collapsed. The storm's death toll is incalculable, and will likely remain so for weeks to come.

Picture both the tragedy of what you have seen and the unmitigated horror of what you haven't.

And now, picture this:

From the Associated Press and Yahoo, this is an actual, undoctored, we-shit-you-not photo taken Tuesday, August 30, during festivities in San Diego, California, marking the 60th anniversary of V-J day.

Nice.

To be fair, President Bush is scheduled to travel to Louisiana and Mississippi on Friday to tour the areas decimated by Katrina. But just the fact that he's willing to have photos taken of him playing a guitar (complete with a presidential seal, no less) while thousands are struggling with the prospects of totally rebuilding their lives- well, by doing that, Bush is certainly making a statement. And that statement includes the words, "give," "I," "shit," "a," and "don't," though definitely not in that order.

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/29/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/26/05

Invasion of the embryo snatchers.

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/24/05

It's Pat!

As you probably know by now unless you've been hiding with Natalee Holloway for the last 24 hours or have a social life, Christian Coalition founder and 700 Club host Pat Robertson Monday called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Here is the juicy part:

You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. And I don't think any oil shipments will stop. But this man is a terrific danger and the United ... This is in our sphere of influence, so we can't let this happen. We have the Monroe Doctrine, we have other doctrines that we have announced. And without question, this is a dangerous enemy to our south, controlling a huge pool of oil, that could hurt us very badly. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with.

On its surface, Robertson's statement was stupid and ludicrous; or, as former Senate Majority Leader Bob "Bob Dole" Dole called it Tuesday, "stupid" and "ludicrous."

But let's look a little deeper. Before we passed final judgment on Robertson's suggestion that the United States should actively seek to assassinate a world leader who was democratically elected (even if he's not exactly Captain Sunshine Happy Pants), we at The Catchpenny decided to review some other proposals made by Robertson over the years, to see how they worked out.

Here is a sampling of the wisdom of Pat Robertson:

• "Ladies and gentlemen, I call it 'New Coke.'" (May 1985)

• "Hey, let's have O.J. try on the gloves." (June 1995)

• "Major General Pickett, you must lead this charge." (July 1863)

• "Bill, Monica. Monica, Bill." (November 1995)

• "Are you kidding? This ship is unsinkable; we don't need all these lifeboats!" (April 1912)

• "I know just where the president should visit! Dallas!" (June 1963)

• "Helium? Helium is for pussies. This is the Hindenburg! Hydrogen is the way to go." (December 1935)

• "Abe, I'm telling you, 'Our American Cousin' is a delightful romp. You and Mary Todd will love it." (April 1865)

• "Ladies and gentlemen, I call it 'The XFL.'" (January 2000)

• "There are two people in this world who absolutely must be given their own late-night talk shows, and their names are Chevy Chase and Magic Johnson." (February 1993)

Never mind.

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/23/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/22/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/21/05

FINALLY.

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/20/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/19/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/17/05

"6 and 12" for 8/16/05

At a Defense Department press briefing last Tuesday, Secretary Donald “O.J.” Rumsfeld announced the following, and he was apparently serious:

Every year since September 11th attacks, Americans have commemorated that anniversary. This year the Department of Defense will initiate an America Supports You Freedom Walk. The walk will begin at the Pentagon and end at the National Mall. It will include many of the major monuments in Washington, D.C. reminding participants of the sacrifices of this generation and of each previous generation that has so successfully defended our freedoms. Freedom Walk participants will be invited to a special performance by country singer Clint Black. And more information about this event will be on the Department of Defense website: www.americasupportsyou.mil.

This, of course, makes perfect sense. After all, when we at The Catchpenny reflect on the events of that horrific day- the smoke billowing from the Twin Towers, the heart-rending cries of those who lost loved ones, the firefighters and police and paramedics walking into certain death- the first and most appropriate public commemoration that leaps to mind is a country music concert preceded by a short stroll, all of it encased in a sticky-sweet, wave-the-flag-till-your-wrist-snaps slogan.

Critics of the plan- including family members of those lost on 9/11 and even some Clint Black fans who have, you know, tact and souls- have called the proposed- for desperate lack of a better word- festivities “inappropriate.”

In response, the Bush administration called the critics “terrorists.”

Okay, no they didn’t. At least, not publicly.

Yet.

As we digest the unveiling of the America Supports You Freedom Walk and what we are certain will be a bitchin’ set by Mr. Black, we decided to try using the “World Wide Web” to see if we could find out more about what seems to us like a brain-rapingly improper event. So we gathered our “interns” (actually a couple of pandas we kidnapped from the San Diego Zoo), sat them in front of the computer, and went to the local country club to carjack golf carts while heavily armed with butter knives and empty water pistols.

When we got back, we were shocked to find that Zsu-Zsu and Maurice had run away, and that along with a big, smelly pile of White Castle takeout, they had left us this:


6 UNPUBLICIZED ASPECTS OF THE “AMERICA SUPPORTS YOU FREEDOM WALK” AND CLINT BLACK CONCERT MARKING THE FOURTH ANNIVERSARY OF 9/11…

• Let’s start with the one that most makes us want to lose our lunch, dinner, and then tomorrow’s breakfast, lunch, late afternoon snack, dinner, and midnight Chubby Hubby binge. NBA greats Shaquille O’Neal and Kevin Garnett will be in attendance, dressed in specially-designed and taxpayer-funded costumes to look like the Twin Towers. Throughout the day, youngsters will be invited to pretend that they are airplanes, extending their arms outward like wings and running headfirst into the superstars’ legs. The children may even make that motor noise they often make when imagining that they are heavy machinery.

• The Air Force will stage a reenactment of the attack on the Pentagon, complete with an authentic Boeing 757 nearly identical to Flight 77, which crashed into the outer ring of the complex on 9/11, killing two hundred. However, instead of actually crashing a plane into the building, the Air Force will shoot down the reenactment airliner and scatter its wreckage across hundreds of acres, thus demonstrating, as Rumsfeld says, “how it all should have transpired that morning.”

  The government is currently accepting volunteers to serve as pilot, co-pilot, and flight attendants on the “do-over” aircraft.

• While personally conducting the “sound check” session preceding his performance, Clint Black will have the microphone stolen from him by the cute Dixie Chick, Natalie Maines, who will then begin singing her own songs. This will force Black to wrestle with Maines for control of the stage, thus honoring the heroes of Flight 93, whose rebellion against that plane’s hijackers prevented it from reaching its intended destination, which was almost certainly either the White House or the Capitol. Officials are still discussing whether or not they will arm Maines with a box cutter.

• Every single attendee will have the following done to them: they will be personally frisked by former Attorney General John Ashcroft; stripped naked and tortured ever so gently by current Attorney General Alberto Gonzales; wrapped in duct tape and bored shitless by former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge; creeped the fuck out by current Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff; asked to accept Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation by Rummy himself; slightly encouraged by remarks from former Secretary of State and gate crasher Colin Powell; quickly brought back to crushing, Keystone Cops reality by current Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice; and discreetly given a piece of classified information by Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove .

  Yes, it promises to be a veritable Neocon Fantasy Camp. Who’s up for a nude human pyramid? I so am.

• But if you think that last one means no fun stuff for the kids, well rest assured that you’re a moron. Running headlong into Shaq’s kneecaps isn’t the only treat to which Johnny and Janie can look forward; indeed, the Support American Freedom Thing or Whatever The Hell It’s Called will be overflowing with activities your whole family can enjoy; even your gullible, pee-soaked rugrats. These three are sure to be among the most popular:

  At the face-painting booth, your child will be able to get the likeness of his or her favorite circa-9/11 national security adviser inked on his or her cheek, even Against All Enemies author Richard Clarke.

  Like clowns? No? What about clowns dressed as Osama Bin Laden? Still no, huh? Disagreeable sumbitch, aren’t ya? Well, once each hour whether you like it or not, attendees will be invited to crowd around a clown in a Bin Laden costume and corner him in a papier-mâché cave on the capitol mall. Once the clown is fully surrounded, President Bush himself will arrive and order everyone to turn their backs, at which time the clown will sneak away.

  And finally, balloons! Yes, all day, helium-filled balloons ranging in color from red to violet and in creed from Baptist to Southern Baptist will be freely distributed to children of all ages. Kids, adults, and senile old bats will have their choice of two fun shapes: balloons shaped like America’s pre-9/11 sense of security; and balloons that resemble the amount of international respect paid to America before and in the weeks immediately following 9/11. Everyone will be asked to hang on to their balloons until the end of Clint Black’s performance, at which time White House staffers will come around to pop them with official War on Terror® hypodermic needles.

  War on Terror® hypodermic needles. They're Guantanariffic!

• The coup de grace will come when President Bush personally announces the winner of the “Find Dick” competition. Vice President Cheney will be conspicuous by his absence, and at first, most people will understandably assume that his heart has short-circuited while trying to escape from his chest again. But in fact, all day, America Walks And Chews Hay at the Same Time Or Whatever volunteers will be walking around with entry forms and asking you to fill one out. The object? See if you can correctly guess the vice president’s “undisclosed location.”

  If you get it right, you will be branded a witch, bound and gagged, and thrown into the Reflecting Pool. If you sink, you were a witch. If you float, you will be shipped to Guantanamo Bay and detained until legal representation can be procured, or until the Sun expands into a Red Giant and swallows the Earth, whichever comes first. (Hint: it won’t be the lawyer thing.)

…AND 12 OTHER CELEBRATIONS CURRENTLY BEING ORGANIZED BY THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION.

• 66th anniversary of Nazi march into Poland (September 1): As noted in an earlier post (see “6 and 12” for 8/5/05), a vacationing President Bush will mark the anniversary of the September 1, 1939 Nazi invasion of Poland by ordering the September 1, 2005 American invasion of Poland. Bush said that he expects the Polish citizenry to “welcome us as liberators, embracing us with open arms and giving our soldiers hugs, flowers, and far too much sausage.” The well-tanned president said that American troops will have two objectives in Poland: first and foremost, “to introduce democracy to that barren desert wasteland;” and second, “to determine once and for all exactly how many of them it takes to screw in a light bulb.”

• 76th anniversary of “Black Thursday” stock market crash (October 24): This crash- which precipitated the start of the Great Depression, the end of Herbert Hoover’s political career, and Franklin D. Roosevelt’s ascension to the presidency- will be marked by the Bush White House with a somber ceremony on Wall Street featuring seven different renditions of “Nearer My God to Thee,” President Bush himself reading aloud the long list of innocent people killed and injured in the market’s crash, and Treasury Secretary John Snow delivering a keynote address titled, “Dear NASDAQ, All This Happened Before You Were Born.” Bush will be wearing a three-piece suit fashioned entirely from recycled $100 bills, while Vice President Cheney’s suit will be made of the working man’s flesh. At the ceremony’s conclusion, the New York Stock Exchange will be demolished so that, as Bush said, “we will be able to honor those Americans who struggled in those days by struggling ourselves, in these days, now, today, at present, currently.” American officials predict that immediately after this service and destruction of the NYSE, Canada will launch a full-scale invasion.

• 42nd anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s assassination (November 22): Unless you are retarded or very young (in which case your parents obviously are not monitoring your net-surfing habits; and if that is the case, please visit our sister site, "Hot Lobbyist Sluts 'R' Us"), you know that President John F. Kennedy was shot and killed on November 22, 1963, as his motorcade proceeded down Elm Street in Dallas, Texas. In tribute to Kennedy, President Bush will be in Dallas this November 22. His motorcade will be similar to Kennedy’s; it will follow the exact same path through town and feature a replica of the open-top Lincoln Continental limousine in which Kennedy was seated when he was shot. As his motorcade turns onto Elm St., Bush will stand up on the limo’s backseat and scream “Bring it on! Bring it on!” until either his throat is sore or someone, at his suggestion, brings “it” on.

  Following behind Bush’s Lincoln will be a parade of Dallas-area schoolchildren, each dressed as someone who has been fingered as the culprit responsible for JFK’s death: Lee Harvey Oswald; Fidel Castro; Lyndon Baines Johnson; the Mafia; Richard Nixon; Nikita Khrushchev and the K.G.B.; Allen Dulles and/or the CIA; J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI; Martians, led by everyone’s favorite Martian, Ray Walston; Jackie Kennedy; Marilyn Monroe’s breasts; a falling meteorite; Nixon’s dog, Checkers; a time-traveling bullet fired by John Wilkes Booth in 1865; and Blast-O the Invisible Shootist.

• 64th anniversary of Pearl Harbor (December 7): To mark this “date which will live in infamy” on which the Japanese bombed American forces at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, in 1941, President Bush has announced that the United States will bomb Japan “back to the pre-Nintendo days, and I’m talkin’ ‘bout before even the eight-bit original Nintendo, with your Duck Hunt and your Double Dragon, way before the N64 or Super Nintendo.”

  Bush said that the planned American assault on Japan- which is now considered among our closest international allies- is “pure, straight-ahead revenge.”

  “The United States have never gotten back at the Japanese for what they did to us at Pearl Harbor,” Bush said. “We never bombed 'em, never jailed their people and descendants in some kind of camps, never did nothin’ to ‘em.”

  But wasn’t Pearl Harbor a surprise attack? Why reveal all this three months beforehand?

  “Y’all don’t know yer stuff,” Bush said. “FDR knew about Pearl Harbor before it happened, and Japanese-Americans have always been treated with respect. Y’all got to brush up on your history. I listen to my professor every morning. Name is ‘Limbaugh.’”

• 20th anniversary of Space Shuttle Challenger disaster (January 28): Most of us will never forget where we were on this date in 1986 when the Challenger exploded just after takeoff. For example, I was vacationing with my seventh wife, Esmeralda, in the belly of a humpback whale (it was not a scheduled stop). I will never forget that day: the tragedy; President Ronald Reagan’s national address; the bellowing, never-ending mating calls.

  Vice President Cheney said that to mark the 20th anniversary of that sad day, the government asks that on January 28, 2006, all Americans drink only Tang and eat only dehydrated Neapolitan ice cream. During prime-time television hours that evening, American families will be invited to watch The Space Shuttle Challenger 20th Anniversary Spectacular, starring such Hollywood luminaries as Valerie Harper, Bruce Vilanch, and the ghost of Rod Roddy, and featuring “The Challenger Flamenco Dancers.”

  Meanwhile, Cheney said, he and the president will probably attend some kind of memorial service, although President Bush is reportedly “totally bummed out” because the service figures to be a “major downer, bro.”

• 314th anniversary of the start of Salem Witch Trials (March 1): Before Joe McCarthy, before Franz Kafka’s The Trial, and even before John Ashcroft, there was Salem. On March 1, 1692, three Massachusetts women were accused of witchcraft and imprisoned, marking the beginning of one of the most shameful chapters in American history. In recognition of this day- in addition to the witch-related activities already planned for the 9/11 Free Walk to More Supportive Something (see above)- President Bush, Vice President Cheney, and Attorney General Alberto “Johnny Ghraib” Gonzales will on March 1, 2006, personally try, convict, and burn more than nine hundred witches, including John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, Al Franken, The Rolling Stones, Maureen Dowd, James Carville, Matt Groening, Jon Stewart, Bert, Ernie, Josiah Bartlett, Murphy Brown, Markos Moulitsas Zuniga, and Colin Powell.

  Oh, that reminds us; The Catchpenny will not exist after February 28.

• 15th anniversary of Rodney King beating (March 3): The videotaped beating of motorist “Rodney” Glen King by four Los Angeles Police Officers launched a sequence of events that culminated in the acquittal of those officers on excessive force charges and the firestorm of the 1992 L.A. riots.

  Believe it or not, fifteen years have passed since that infamous incident, and President Bush- fresh off that witch-burning extravaganza- will be in Los Angeles to observe its anniversary in what aides call a “solemn, dignified affair.” Joined by California Governor Arnold “Statutory” Schwarzenegger and Senators Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein, President Bush will invite King back to Lake View Terrace, the residential neighborhood where King’s traffic stop and beating occurred. At the ceremony, Bush and Schwarzenegger will present King with a small plaque reading, “Congratulations to Herb’s Automotive Supplies and Mini-mart, Tri-Valley Bowling League Champs 1987.” Upon receiving this trophy, King is expected to give a short speech, after which he will be arrested on one charge of receiving stolen property (namely, a plaque reading, “Congratulations to Herb’s Automotive Supplies and Mini-mart, Tri-Valley Bowling League Champs 1987”). King will then be thrown into the backseat of a police cruiser and taken to a nearby holding cell.

  Bush said that he does not expect King to resist arrest, “but we’ll have some coked-up LAPD officers on the scene, just in case.”

• 170th anniversary of the Battle of the Alamo (March 6): The travel slogan is “Texas: It’s like a whole other country.” In March of 1836, that’s exactly what the “Lone Star State” became, officially declaring independence from Mexico and drafting its own constitution. On March 6, 189 Texan defenders of the fort at the Alamo were defeated by the Mexican army after a 13-day siege, but Texas’ separation from Mexico had been assured. Texas remained sovereign until 1845, when it became the 28th member of the United States. But for about nine years, Texas was its own self-contained chaw-spittin’, cow-wrasslin’ hick paradise.

  To celebrate the 170th anniversary of the Alamo and honor what he calls “the glory days” of Texas’ self-rule, President Bush will go to San Antonio and proclaim that for 24 hours- from noon on March 6, 2006, until noon on March 7- Texas will be completely independent once again, totally free from the laws of the United States government. Texas residents- as well as roughneck outlaws pouring in from around the U.S.- are expected to take full advantage of this one-day grace period, randomly shooting sheriffs (but not the deputies), ripping the tags off of mattresses, recording and rebroadcasting Major League Baseball games without express written consent, and making sweet, sweet love to armadillos.

  President Bush himself will enthusiastically participate in the mayhem, challenging filmmaker Michael Moore to a high noon musket duel in the Old Town Square.

• 94th anniversary of sinking of Titanic (April 15): On April 14, 1912, at 11:40 p.m., the RMS Titanic struck an iceberg in the North Atlantic during its first and only voyage. Less than three hours later, at 2:20 a.m., the massive ship was gone, along with 1,522 passengers, most of them Americans.

  The federal government has undertaken a campaign, headed by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Secretary of the Navy Gordon R. England, to encourage citizens to take time on April 15, 2006 to pay tribute to the lives lost with the “unsinkable” ship.

  How? “We want all Americans to find a moment on that day where they can fill their bathtubs or sinks and then submerge and hold their heads underwater for exactly 94 seconds,” Rice said. “All those poor people died that night in the freezing ocean. The least we can do is hold our breath for a little bit.”

  “Also, to all you parents,” added England, “Feel free to get your kids involved. If they can’t hold their breath that long, you go ahead and hold their faces under the water until the 94 seconds are up. Help your kids, and your neighbors. It does take a village, after all.”

  When asked if they would be participating in this nationwide head-dunking, England simply chuckled, while Rice burst into a hearty laugh as she inserted an entire six-inch toasted Quizno's sub between her front two upper teeth.

• 100th anniversary of San Francisco earthquake and fire (April 18): At about 5:12 on the morning of April 18, 1906, an earthquake measuring 7.9 on the moment magnitude scale rocked the San Francisco area like nothing before or since, with the possible exceptions of the Grateful Dead and Huey Lewis and the News. The quake lasted 47 seconds and launched uncontrollable fires, decimating the city and leaving more than 3,000 dead and 225,000 homeless.

  While somber memorials can be expected across the Bay Area for the centennial of this devastating day, Vice President Cheney is expected only to give a brief address to San Franciscans before attempting to set fire to the entire liberal-loving city with a military-issue flamethrower known as “The Harvey Fiersteinerizer;” this device is not to be confused with the Bush Administration’s “Plamethrower,” otherwise known as Karl Rove. Cheney is then expected to make a joke about the 1906 fire involving the multiple connotations of the word “flaming” before fleeing California on horseback, cackling evilly.

• 7th anniversary of Columbine High School slayings (April 20): On this date in 1999, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold killed 12 of their fellow students and one teacher before committing suicide at Columbine High School near Denver, Colorado.

  On this date in 2006, President Bush will spend the morning hours chuckling to himself; not because of Columbine, but because on this date in 1979, President Jimmy Carter was attacked by a swamp rabbit while vacationing in Plains, Georgia. Later in the day, however, a senior advisor will remind Bush about Columbine, at which time the president will observe a one-minute moment of silence before feasting on a dinner consisting of veal and the laughter of young children. Bush will then take a moment to remember the other events of past April 20’s, including the creation of the Wisconsin territory (1836), Apollo 16’s Moon landing (1972), and the first Major League Baseball game ever played in Hawaii (Padres vs. Cardinals, 1997). Bush will fall asleep that night regretting that he forgot about Columbine and commit himself to righting his mistake by hosting a huge Toby Keith concert on April 20, 2007. And yes, it will include “The Flying Columbine Trapeze Monkeys.”

• 12th anniversary of Simpson/Goldman murders (June 12): Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman were viciously stabbed to death outside her home around 10:30 Pacific Time on the evening of June 12, 1994. The murderer was, as best as we can tell from the evidence we possess (a copy of Simpson’s 1995 book I Want to Tell You and his 1971 Topps football card, in near-mint condition), someone other than O.J. Simpson. Let’s call him "J.S. Oimpson." These murders and the ensuing twenty-zillion-ring media circus changed the way news is covered and launched the careers of countless TV personalities, including Fox’s Greta Van Susteren, who we assume sends "Mr. Oimpson" a card every year around this time to thank him for killing Ms. Simpson and Mr. Goldman.

  So, on June 12, 2006, President Bush will appear before a national television audience and encourage all Americans to help him find the “real killer.” Upon seeing Bush say this, millions of viewers will point accusingly at their TV screens. Following his speech, Bush is expected to engage O.J. in a playful slow-speed car chase down Interstate 405. A.C. Cowlings has been invited to participate, but the walking Trivial Pursuit answer/kitschy reference has yet to reply and is presumed dead.

  
  
  

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/15/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/14/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/13/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/12/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/11/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/10/05

Rumsfeld's out of shapes.

Defense Secretary Rumsfeld visits Bush,

apologizes for misplacing the Pentagon

Secretary of Defense Donald "Tito" Rumsfeld made a surprise trip to President George W. Bush's Crawford ranch Monday night to report that he, Rumsfeld, cannot seem to find the Pentagon.

Clearly embarrassed, Rumsfeld arrived in the back of a camouflage limousine driven by a deaf-mute chauffeur named Silencio, and reportedly said little on the trip into Crawford. However, a few miles from Bush's house, Rumsfeld did stop by the side of the road so that he could roll down his window, extend his arm outward, and flip off Cindy Sheehan (see Peter Jennings story below).

As revealed in an exclusive recording of the conversation obtained by an intrepid Catchpenny correspondent posing as a half-eaten bag of pork rinds, Rumsfeld approached his boss with extreme caution and mind-fuckingly uncharacteristic humility, sheepishly tapping Bush on the shoulder. Bush nearly hit the roof at Rumsfeld's appearance, as he had been sleeping soundly at such a late hour (7 p.m.) and dreaming of a world in which he is not the worst president in American history.

"Mr. President, I'm sorry to wake you, sir," Rumsfeld said. "But we need to talk."

"Goddamn, Rum-meister," Bush said, rubbing the sleep gunk from his tear ducts and checking his watch. "You know what time it is, doncha? I need my sleep so I can focus on all kinds of crap, like you know, 'issues' and 'folks.'"

"I know, sir. I'm so sorry. It's just that-" Rumsfeld stammered. He bowed his head, his face reddening, his arms interlaced behind his back and his right leg swiveling back and forth on the ball of his foot. "Mr. President, I've lost the Pentagon, sir. I had just seen it a minute ago and then I turn around and it's not there anymore and I'm so confused and I don't know where it is so Mr. President I'm so-"

"Jesus, Rummo," Bush said. "Get a grip. That's what you came here for? So you lost the Pentagon. Big fuggin' deal. What's the Pentagon, anyway? Damn thing's only got five sides. How's a five-sided thingy gonna protect 'Merica? We need a hexagon, a sevenagon, or one a them, whatcha call 'em- a dodecahedron. Hell, we oughtta just use the Epcot Center; that motherfucker has a billion sides."

"So you're not mad?" Rumsfeld said, obviously stunned; a single tear dropped from his left eye.

"Shit no," Bush said. "Hell, even as we speak, I couldn't find Wisconsin if you put a gun to my head. And don't forget, you and me have managed to lose stuff together before, too. Like that round of "Pictionary" the other night 'gainst Condi and Karl. And Bin Laden. Get your shit together, Rumbot, we're gonna be fine. Now go on, git; it's 'bout time for my bubble bath."

Besides the Pentagon, Rumsfeld has also recently lost his glasses, a fancy pen, and the war on terror.

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/9/05

Philip Morris honors Peter Jennings

Four months and two days after announcing to the world that he would undergo chemotherapy for the lung cancer with which he had only recently been diagnosed, ABC's Peter Jennings succumbed to that cancer and died last night at the age of 67.

Deserving memorials have poured in from around the globe, and we at The Catchpenny add our voice to the throng of media observers honoring Jennings today and recognizing the sea change in news reporting of which his passing is symbolic.

With that said, we do feel the need to point out one of the more unusual Jennings tributes to be proposed thus far. Last night, we (and by "we," I mean "I") could not sleep, as a result of both the contemplative mood in which Jennings' sad death put us and a raging meth addiction.

Just after 3 a.m., we stumbled upon this:

Philip Morris calls for "21-butt salute" to honor Jennings

Philip Morris USA, the nation's largest cigarette company and manufacturer of such brands as Marlboro, Virginia Slims, Parliament, Pavement Lights, Nico-Teenies ("The cigarettes for fetuses!"), Butt Secs, and Gravediggerz, among many others, has joined the television-viewing multitudes in noting the death of an industry giant, Peter Jennings of ABC News. Jennings, who was 67, passed away late Sunday night, the victim of the lung cancer he revealed in April. The newsman began smoking at the age of 13, but quit the habit in 1988, only taking it up again briefly following the events of September 11, 2001.

With this in mind, the tobacco conglomerate is calling for every American citizen to smoke 21 cigarettes within the next 24 hours, both to honor Jennings' memory and to remind themselves of the hazards that come with quitting smoking.

"This is something that we are taking very seriously at Philip Morris USA," said company spokesman Bernard Nettleton. "To those who would say, 'Sure, I quit smoking; what's the worst that could happen to me?', I say today, 'Look at Peter Jennings. He was a quitter, too, and now he's gone.'"

And to those who would accuse Nettleton and his bosses of illogical, batshit insane reasoning?

"To them," Nettleton said, "I would say, 'Prove me wrong, College Boy, what with your 'research' and your 'slide rules' and your 'grape taffy.'"

Reached for comment at his usual undisclosed location, Vice President Dick "Don't Call Me Penis" Cheney offered his support for Philip Morris' tribute.

"Bigtime," Cheney said, his baboon heart flailing vainly in his chest, his adamantium claws at the ready, his soul a hollow, tar-coated walnut shell. "Go fuck yourself."

President George W. Bush could not be reached for comment, as he was busy engaging Cindy Sheehan in a free and thoughtful discussion on the merits and pitfalls of the war in Iraq. (Cindy Sheehan's son, Casey, was killed there last year, and she has been holding a solitary protest since Saturday on the outskirts of Bush's ranch in Crawford, TX.)

Just kidding. Bush is playing Donkey Kong.

While perhaps unique for now, rest assured that Philip Morris' "21-butt" homage to Jennings will not mark the end of potentially-unhealthy payments of last respects to late celebrities.

The National Rifle Association (FEMA) is already planning an all-out tribute to be held after the death of their former president and Wayne's World 2 star Charlton Heston, wherein they will invite each American firearm owner to inflict two gunshot wounds to his or her own head in honor of Heston and his beloved Second Amendment, which protects citizens' rights "to bear arms and to arm bears in preparation for the coming alliance between Man and Beast." After Heston has been properly mourned, he will be cremated and buried in a .22-caliber shell casing, but not before the rings have been pried from his cold, dead hands.

The other famous grief display currently being organized is for "King of Pop" Michael Jackson, whose death will cause the entire North American Man/Boy Love Association to spontaneously combust.

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/8/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/7/05

Disclaimer

This is less a cheap joke than it is something that makes me want to cry.

And scream. And punch things. And trash our office. And kick the dog.

And then cry out of guilt for having kicked the dog.

Bush hedges (his bets).

To this point, President Bush has not given even the slightest hint that he is feeling any pressure from the Karl Rove/Valerie Plame/Robert Novak/Lewis Libby/Tiger Woods CIA leak investigation.

But all that changed late Saturday night.

From The Catchpenny newsroom:

President Bush fires Archibald Cox

In the first major sign- other than the comically evasive press briefings of Scott "Stonewall" McClellan- that the White House is feeling some heat from the investigation into the outing of CIA operative Valerie Plame, President George W. Bush Saturday fired Special Prosecutor Archibald Cox.

"Special Prosecutor Cox will be relieved of his duties effective immediately," Bush said, "and replaced by a close acquaintance of mine; let's just call her 'Laura B.' I am confident that she will do a superb job."

"Hey, check it out," Bush added. "I'm bangin' the Special Prosecutor!"

The President's critics- whose numbers are growing with each passing second, each dead American soldier, each mispronunciation of the words "nuclear," "terror," and "cat"- allege that this maneuver is yet another of Bush's gross abuses of power. Unfortunately, we could not get a quote from such a critic, as doing so would violate The Catchpenny's strict policy against interviewing dirty hippies. (Actually, we're just lazy.)

Supporters of Cox's termination, meanwhile, maintain the Gordon Sumner-eqsue argument that every little thing Bush does is magic.

"We love George W. Bush!" exclaimed Whitey "Cotton" Paleskin, a senior at Grove City College and member of the Young Republican National Federation. "In fact, we love him so much that we would gladly die for him! Just, you know, not right now, and not in the next few years; really, not anytime for the next six or seven decades. But we would die for him. You can't expect us to die right now, of course; we're fighting the battle for ideas. The pen is mightier than the sword, after all; especially if that pen has the Ink of Freedom flowing through it.

"Seriously, please don't ask us to die."

Speaking from his magical ranch where lies are the Splenda to truth's sugar and God don't make no gays, ever, Bush continued: "This is an important step in ensuring the rights of all of our citizens. And 'all of our citizens,' of course, means anyone I want it to mean. Are you one of my 'citizens'? You might be surprised. It's a game I like to play with the 'merican people. You know; do ya have any rights or don't ya?"

"I'm just yankin' ya, America," Bush added. "You're all gonna die."

The Catchpenny attempted to reach the deposed Cox for comment, but he died in 2004. We'll probably go to Target today and pick up a Ouija board, but don't hold your breath.

Bush sinks lower.

Just when you think the Bush administration has finally scraped the bottom of the barrel, they go and drill a hole through the bottom and sink even further, down into another, even more disgusting barrel, a barrel jam-packed with the stuff of unconscionable vulgarity, like Olestra and Tony Danza.

Please, we beseech you, write to your local congressman, senator, comptroller, church council president, ombudsman, and/or best boy grip and tell them that you will not stand for the government's latest infringement on our civil liberties; unless, of course, you are in favor of it, in which case we have just wasted a perfectly appropriate use of the word "beseech."

From The Catchpenny's newsroom:

President Bush orders the kidnapping of one pretty young white woman per week until the end of his term

President George W. Bush, taking a well-deserved break from playing beer pong and baking cookies in the shape of American flag-draped coffins, issued Executive Order #61499 late Friday night, calling for the kidnapping of one attractive Caucasian woman each week until his Presidential term expires on January 20, 2009.

"America finds herself at a crossroads," Bush said. "Every day, the news media fill our heads with images of turmoil in Iraq, of our brave young men and women being shot at, bombed, and generally bedeviled all over the battlefields of the war on terror. This coverage comes at us from all angles and from all kinds of sources, especially them 24-hour news channels and BET."

Bush eventually got to the point.

"As I see it," he continued, "these detailed, 'round-the-clock reports are hurting the country; they're bringing down America's spirit, and they're sure making me feel shitty. So today, I am instructing the federal government to kidnap a pretty young white lady every week until I ain't the President no more. After each woman is abducted, a flattering photo and compelling life story will be released to the mainstream media. In this way, we will seriously hamper the progress of all that damaging, morale-crushing reporting."

To those who will say that his "White Female Snatching" plan crosses the line, Bush says, essentially, "Fuck you."

"This plan is a perfectly legitimate way of stopping the insurgent press coverage," he said. "I will insist that no one, but no one in my administration kill any of these women. In fact, they won't even be in that much pain. They might be gagged, and there might be a little light bondage, but that's it. Gotta draw the line somewhere, and I draw it at ball gags and handcuffs."

Just how effective will Bush's latest anti- "terror-describing media" strategy be? That, of course, remains to be seen. But already, some of the President's most vociferous critics are admitting defeat.

"He's gonna get away with this shit again," said former President George H. W. Bush.

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/6/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/5/05

"6 and 12" for 8/5/05

On Wednesday, President Bush left both the hustle and the bustle of Washington behind and headed to his ranch in Crawford, Texas, where he will enjoy the next five weeks on what he has called a "working vacation."

Presumably, this means that he will spend his time finishing Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, challenging his staff and Cabinet Secretaries to games of Wiffleball and "Smear the Queer," and shoveling mound after mound of delicious cow shit.

At least, that’s what we here at your Catchpenny thought at first. But then we had a second, third, and yes, even a fourth thought, and it occurred to us that perhaps we weren’t giving the Great Relaxer enough credit. So we decided to do a bit of research, though only on the condition that we pay ourselves for it. After a brief but bloody negotiation, we agreed to pay ourselves $6.45 per hour with no opportunity for overtime. Ourselves settled for this paltry sum only because we had all the leverage. Still, we clearly fucked ourselves over. Why would we do that to ourselves? Ask yourselves…

Here now, dedicated to the President’s load-bearing ass, is your "6 and 12" for Friday, August 5.

6 ITEMS ON THE PRESIDENT’S VACATION ITINERARY…

• August 8: Bush will watch on television as the Space Shuttle Discovery returns from space, secretly hoping that it disintegrates, explodes, or crashes, thus giving his job approval rating- down to a subterranean 38% as of this post- an automatic and much-needed boost. Think we’re being too harsh? If so, did you just awake from a coma?

• August 14: Meeting with Ted Nugent, Toby Keith, and Pete Coors- the Secretaries of Shootin’ Varmints, Rockin’ Out, and Kick-Ass Keggers, respectively- to discuss possible twists in the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives and the pros and cons of breast feeding. Tang and marshmallow squares will be served. It will be delightful.

• August 19: Issue preemptive Presidential pardons to Karl Rove, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, John Bolton, Andrew Card, Condoleezza Rice, Ari Fleischer, Scott McClellan, George Tenet, James Dale Guckert (alias Jeff Gannon), Dick and Lynne Cheney, Judge John Roberts, Josiah Bartlett, Tom Cruise, Natalee Holloway, Rafael Palmiero, Roger Ailes, Terry Bradshaw, and the ghost of Richard Nixon for any involvement, real or imagined, that they may have had in leaking to reporters the identity of Barry Allen, aka "The Flash."

• August 28: Dramatically increase efforts to eliminate insects and other pests from the ranch, while simultaneously cutting funding for pesticides, repellants, and exterminators. After a few days of staying safely indoors while the hired help takes the fight to the six-legged enemy, declare "mission accomplished." (Thereafter, Bush will skip the funerals of over 1,800 Orkin employees killed in action on the ranch’s many battle-scarred acres.)

• September 1: Commemorate the 66th anniversary of the Nazi’s invasion of Poland by ordering the invasion of Poland.

• September 5: Spend the entire day indoors at personal computer, closely studying the finer points- the benefits and the drawbacks- of FreeCell research.

… AND 12 DEVELOPMENTS THAT COULD ABRUPTLY END HIS R & R.

• Alien Invasion. If the world is suddenly and brutally assaulted by a malevolent extraterrestrial species- be it from Mars, Alpha Centauri or say, Mepos- President Bush would have no choice but to return to Washington. Aides say that upon receiving the news of such an interplanetary crisis, Bush would likely spend about seven minutes reading an upside-down copy of the short graphic novel My Pet Goat before boarding Air Force One for the trip to D.C.

  "If aliens do descend on Earth," said an anonymous senior adviser, "the President certainly hopes they are less like those in Independence Day and War of the Worlds and more like the ones in E.T. and Spaced Invaders. The President does concede, however, that those face-ripping things from V were pretty rad."

• Invitation to Join a Reality Show. In an effort to regain some of his lost popularity with the American public, Bush has issued standing offers to the producers of MTV’s The Real World, CBS’s Big Brother, Fox’s American Idol, and NBC’s Who Gives a Fuck About These People?, having indicated to all four shows that he would gladly star on any of them if asked. The President himself admits that he will probably not be making any TV appearance that does not involve issuing evasive or vague non-answers to questions posed by phony gay prostitute reporters, but that if the opportunity should arise, he is prepared to abandon his family and his full-time job to discover what happens when people stop being polite and start singing Michael McDonald songs out of tune in a house full of strangers and guest judges.

• A Second Attack on the World Trade Center. Bush has stressed that he neither expects nor wishes this to happen, but another assault on the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York City would certainly cut his recess short. As a precaution, Bush has requested that a delegation consisting of Senator Ted Kennedy, filmmaker Michael Moore, and Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald go to Ground Zero with targets painted on their backs and big poster board signs reading "Islam blows," and report back to him should the Twin Towers be attacked again, whether by airplane, missile, bomb, or catapulted midget. So far, the three would-be delegates have all declined for some reason.

  Nevertheless, Bush remains consistent and determined in both his facial expressions and his empty rhetoric. "I want the people of New York City to know that I will not forget about them. If those beautiful towers are threatened again, I will not hesitate to talk about punishing those responsible. Criminals usually return to the scene of their crimes, so I’m pretty sure the World Trade Center’s majestic towers are still at risk. But I make you this pledge: if Osama bin Laden strikes the World Trade Center again, I am so gonna fuck somebody else’s shit up."

• The Second Coming of Jesus Christ. According to the batshit insane LSD binge that is The Book of Revelation, the return of the living Christ to Earth will precipitate Armageddon, The Apocalypse, The End of Days, Judgment Day, The Big Goodbye, The Hitting of Shit Against Fan- you get the idea. Seeing as how the central goal of Bush II’s administration has been to bring about the End of the World, the President would clearly drop everything- even a particularly tense game of "Connect Four" with Barney, his trusty Scottish terrier- for a chance to meet, befriend, and be escorted on the Ultimate Escalator Ride to Eternal Bliss by Jesus Christ. Speaking recently on the subject, Bush said, "Are you kiddin’? I’d love to meet Jesus. Big fan. I once met Steve Perry, back in ’84; but meeting Jesus would be, like, five or six times as cool as that. Goddamn, that would be sweet."

  For His part, Christ said that while He has no plans to return to Earth at this time, "you never know. I might pop in one of these days, just to screw with the fundies. Maybe I’ll show up at a Baptist church and ask if anyone wants Me to give them communion; then, if anyone says yes, I’ll prick my finger and say, ‘Okay, suck on this.’ Oh, I’m bad. Dad always says I’m going to Hell, but We both know that ain’t happenin’."

• Cows With Guns. Among the least possible scenarios is one in which the many bovine inhabitants of Bush’s ranch spontaneously take up arms and- presumably following a bull-headed leader like Teddy Moosevelt, Julius Cheeser, or Ulysses S. Cow- converge menacingly on the President’s Crawford home, thus forcing the President to flee in unpasteurized, unhomogenized terror.

  Laugh if you must, but keep in mind that this uprising- this "mootiny," if you learn better through asinine puns- is not without precedent:

  Just twelve years ago, in July 1993, President Bill Clinton and his family were enjoying a short stay at Camp David when Clinton’s daughter, Chelsea, was taken hostage by a rabid possum with explosives strapped around its torso. In an impressive display of bipartisanship by both men, Clinton phoned Republican Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah, who sped to the scene and within minutes had put a "cop-killer" bullet between the possum’s eyes.

  In 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was enjoying a trip to rural Oregon when a rogue family of beavers- apparently unsatisfied with America’s sluggish rebound from economic depression- gnawed through one of the spokes of his wheelchair. Roosevelt fell from the chair but escaped unscathed and, with no cameras present, his tumble went unreported for decades. FDR sternly rebuked the beavers for their insolence, and also condemned anyone who might ever make light of the incident in the future, particularly using what he called "the Internet."

  And finally, in the most famous animal-on-President bitch slap to date, President Abraham Lincoln was watching a play at Ford’s Theater in April 1865 when he was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth, who we all know was part owl.

• Playstation 2 – Related Catastrophe. If there’s one thing of which Bush will live in pants-wetting fear for the next five weeks, aside from the reemergence of the wanted criminal mastermind known only as "The Hamburglar," it is that his beloved Playstation 2 will break or be stolen, shat upon, or eaten. A top White House aide admits that such an unfortunate occurrence would "piss POTUS off to no end, that’s for sure. POTUS would not like that one bit; POTUS’d be on Air Force One the second he couldn’t play with that thing anymore." The aide also admitted that he just likes finding excuses to use the word "POTUS" because, he says, "it sounds kinda dirty, don’t it?"

  So, you may ask, couldn’t Bush just buy another PS2? "Nah," said Bush. "All they got around these parts are Wal-Marts, and they’re always sold out of ‘em. I don’t go to Wal-Mart anyways, cuz they never have the cool games I want, like Grand Theft Auto, Max Payne, and Send a Bunch of Kids off to Die for No Valid Motherfucking Reason. Screw that."

  Among his many PS2 accomplishments, Bush has completed all three Timesplitters games and is currently riding a six-game winning streak as the Texas Rangers in Electronic Arts’ MVP 2005. Indeed, Bush has only ever encountered one PS2 game at which he did not excel. "I never could get the hang of You Are the President," he said. "That one always gets me."

• Canada Attacks! Administration officials consider this even less likely than the gun-toting cow thing, but just as a precaution they are prepared to take action "in case them canucks try any funny stuff while the President is chillin’ in his crib yo" [not a direct quote].

  Last week, the Defense Department reported that Canadian troops were amassing in a "disconcerting and threatening manner" along the St. Lawrence River. In response, President Bush issued this brief statement just before beginning his vacation: "Bring it on, ya dirty hosers! I dare you to attack us while I’m in Texas. In fact, I double-fucking-dog dare you!"

  Canada could not be reached for comment.

• The Combat Deaths of the Bush Twins. It goes without saying that if the President’s daughters, Jenna and Barbara, were ever killed in the line of duty while valiantly serving their nation in the new Republic of Iraq, the proud father would rush back to the White House to grieve and almost certainly think about possibly attending their funerals.

  "The President is very proud of his precious daughters," said cherubic White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "He shudders at the thought of anything happening to them that would cause them to no longer be alive. And so of course, if Jenna and Barbara fall prey to the enemy in Iraq, President Bush will immediately return from Crawford."

  At present, the Bush twins are said to be stationed in the notoriously volatile Georgetown section of Iraq.

• Rise of the Proletariat. If, in the next thirty days, America’s proletariat should violently rise up to overthrow the bourgeoisie, President Bush will be whisked away by Secret Service agents and taken to American University in Washington, D.C., where he will enroll in a 4-credit Political Theory course to learn the difference between the proletariat and bourgeoisie. Bush will then, presumably, take some sort of action, perhaps involving an insistence that something or someone not be "left behind."

• Beatles Reunion Tour. Like thousands of his fellow Americans who are both Beatles fans and developmentally retarded, President Bush longingly marks off each day on his SpongeBob desk calendar as one more day throughout which the "Fab Four" have remained in their separate corners, seemingly unwilling or somehow even unable to reconcile their differences and embark on a worldwide reunion tour.

  "I love the Beatles," Bush confessed recently. "Know what I love about ‘em? You can tell they rock, cuz they got the word ‘beat’ right there in the name. I always hated Yoko Ono [the mercurial Japanese woman who many fans blamed for the band’s demise], but now that she’s dead, I don’t understand why those guys can’t reunite. As soon as I was offered the Presidency by the Supreme Court in 2000, I even tried to get the Beatles back together myself. I found John Lennon’s phone number etched in the tile right above the pisser in the Oval Office men’s room- I guess one of the other presidents put it there; I assume it was LBJ or Captain Kangaroo- so I dialed it and got one a’ them phone voice ladies, and she’s all like ‘I’m sorry, please try again,’ and I’m all like ‘Ppfffffffftt.’"

  Bush added, "What’s the story, guys? We’re waiting."

• Zombies. On the campaign trail in his 2000 and 2004 Presidential runs, one of Bush’s favorite and most endearing anecdotes was the story of how, as a child, he had a recurring dream that millions of long-dead corpses had reanimated themselves and were running wild in the streets of America, feasting on the flesh of the living and assraping women and children. Indeed, Bush’s sweet-natured telling of this childhood memory was credited by many observers with clinching the Presidency for him. And while the transcontinental enslavement of those who are alive by those who should no longer be remains the stuff of Hollywood and the beer-induced nocturnal fantasies of future presidents, the fact is that it still scares the bejesus out of our 43rd Commander-in-Chief. So rest assured, America, that President Bush would definitely return to the White House if the zombies attack, though probably only to grab a few personal belongings before leaving forever in screaming, uncontrollable panic.

  Zombies are of serious enough concern, in fact, that deep within the bowels of the hefty "Patriot Act," there is an entire subsection that deals with what American families can do to fight off zombies who would attempt to eat them or rape them in the ass-al region. Most of the tips deal with finding new and creative "anti-undead" uses for duct tape. Should duct tape not be enough to ward off the bloodthirsty hordes, the government suggests that you and your family either purchase or rent any of the Resident Evil video games for PS2, Xbox, or PC. "Those games are like how-to manuals when it comes to anti-zombie tactics," the subsection reads.

• If That Damned Neighbor Kid Doesn’t Keep Off the White House Lawn. At 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue, there stands a humble two-story house with white aluminum siding and green shutters on the windows. In that house lives George’s nemesis, a little rapscallion by the name of Dennis. "He is forever on my lawn," said George. "If I hear about him coming on my lawn just one more time, I’m going to march over there and have a serious talk with his parents. They’re nice folks, his folks are. But if that kid doesn’t shape up, he’s going straight to Gitmo, and that’s all there is to it."
  

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/4/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/3/05

Cheap Joke of the Day 8/2/05

"6 and 12" for 8/2/05

On September 6, the Senate Judiciary Committee will convene to begin the confirmation hearings for Judge John Roberts, President Bush's enigmatic and dimple-chinned choice to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the United States Supreme Court. As the already-fierce war of rhetoric continues to escalate between Republicans, Democratics, and thirtysomething policy wonk virgins who fall asleep every night with an open copy of Congressional Quarterly in one hand and their own pulsating genitals in the other, we here at your Catchpenny thought that this would be a good time to introduce a new feature.

It's called "6 and 12," and it's so simple that even people from Mississippi will be able to follow it. (That is, they would be able to follow it. If they could read. And had electricity.) We simply focus on one topic- in this case, the cutie-pie Roberts- and give you 6 things related to that topic, followed quickly by 12 additional things related to those first 6. Sounds stupid, I know. But you'll catch on- I'm looking at you, Senator Lott.

6 ISSUES THAT COULD DERAIL JOHN ROBERTS' SCOTUS NOMINATION...

1. In 2003, as a judge on the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals, Roberts affirmed the ruling of a district court in the case of Bunny v. Duck. Writing for the majority, Roberts said that at the time of the dispute in question, it was, as the plaintiff had argued, duck season.

   Legal scholars have since determined that neither side had a compelling argument, and Roberts has said that his opinion in Bunny was heavily influenced by an amicus curiae brief filed by one F. Leghorn.

2. In 1994, as leader of his church choir, Roberts suggested that the group perform an a capella rendition of "Angels From the Realms of Glory." The organist, one David Schaffer, took exception with this idea, mistaking the judge's love of unaccompanied vocal harmonies for a rejection of his piano-playing abilities. Words were exchanged and by the end of the night, Roberts had beaten Schaffer over the head with a bingo card and communion chalice.

3. During a three-week stint as substitute host of The Wheel of Fortune in 1986, Roberts was accused of negotiating a vowels-for-hostages exchange with the Iranian government.

4. In 1982, as Special Assistant to Attorney General William French Smith, Roberts was heavily involved in discussions that led to the cancellation of Bosom Buddies. For many in Congress, the pain of this loss is still fresh.

5. As a clerk for then-Associate Justice William H. Rehnquist in 1980, Roberts made what some believe was an ethically reprehensible move when he injected his boss with an experimental human growth hormone. Rehnquist temporarily grew to a height of 12 feet, 5 1/4 inches and a weight of 845 pounds.

   The soon-to-be Chief Justice's body returned to normal size two hours later, but he continues to enjoy the primary side effect of the drug, which will cause him to live to the ripe old age of 317.

6. Judge Roberts has a tail, and that's just gross.

...AND 12 POTENTIAL REPLACEMENTS IN CASE ROBERTS IS REJECTED.

1. Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove, whose propensity for treasonous incompetence (in the ongoing CIA leak case and the lesser known incident in which he shot down an American F-15 with a shoulder-fired missile and then ate the downed plane piece by piece) is apparently A-OK with most Republicans in Congress. Rove also apparently has some minor experience as a Republican consultant.

2. Judge Joseph Albert Wapner, Jr., whose experience in adjudicating before both humans and animals is said to be highly regarded by Bush. Wapner's positions on such hot-button issues as abortion, the death penalty, and the "war on terror" are not well known, but Bush might be willing to exchange a few stray opinions for the silky smooth confirmation process that the President believes would be guaranteed by Wapner's name recognition and star power.

   As a bonus, were Wapner to ascend to the Supreme Court, he would bring with him bailiff "Rusty" Burrell and court reporter Doug Llewellyn.

3. Reverend Jerry L. Falwell, pastor of Thomas Road Baptist Church and founder of the "Moral Majority" and Liberty University. Falwell, whose resume is familiar to millions and covered in faux-Christian cooties, is the one person whose nomination would hasten the demise of modern civilization. For this reason- and because mentioning Falwell's name aloud causes the speaker's mouth to erupt in fiery hot canker sores- Bush is not expected to be seriously considering Falwell.

   Also, a gentleman's magazine once reported that Falwell had an incestuous encounter with his own mother, and legal scholars fear this alleged incident (which haunts the pastor to this day) would influence the opinion of a Justice Falwell in any "mom-fucking" cases brought before the Court, especially from the Deep South. Plus, his confirmation would probably lead to an all-out battle for Satan's favor between Falwell and Justice Antonin Scalia.

4. Charles Manson. On the surface, this seems like a silly and outrageously dangerous choice, what with his "we have to kill all the black people before they overthrow the whites" stance, to say nothing of his well-established "pro-stabbing" position.

   But Manson has a thorough knowledge on the nation's penal and prison system that gives him a rare and potentially indispensable perspective. As one who was born to a sixteen year-old mother, Manson also understands the pitfalls of teenage pregnancy. In addition, it goes without saying that he is a strong advocate of the death penalty, which is always a plus for President Bush.

   Manson's bloodthirsty presence on the bench could also lead to a smaller, more manageable Supreme Court, with as few as two or three judges surviving the carnage which Manson's confirmation would most assuredly precede.

5. Former Secretary of State Colin L. Powell. Though he has never been a judge at any level, Powell's outstanding lifetime of service in both the military and the State Department make him a uniquely qualified choice to... Just kidding. Bush fuckin' hates this guy.

6. Judge Reinhold. Beloved by millions and very, very available, Judge Reinhold could be a darkhorse consensus pick to replace Roberts should the current nominee falter. He has performed a great deal of charitable work, most notably with the Boys and Girls Clubs of America's "Smart Moves" program in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Reinhold has also recently expressed a desire to become manager of baseball's Arizona Diamondbacks, exhibiting an ambition and determination by which President Bush is said to be extremely impressed.

   Reinhold is believed to be a moderate on most issues and more importantly, as Bush has said, "this guy has been a Judge his whole life. And I really appreciate his work in those Santa Clause movies."

7. New York City Executive Assistant District Attorney Jack McCoy. As a brilliant and often ruthless presence in the New York D.A.'s office since 1994, McCoy has earned the respect of nearly everyone who has worked with or against him with his passion for justice and his unbridled love for the law.

   However, McCoy's zeal has led him to push ethical boundaries on a number of occasions, incidents which may land him in trouble if he ever has to face the Judiciary Committee. Also of concern is McCoy's reputation as a heavy drinker and womanizer; he is still said to suffer from the rocky relationship he once had with former assistant Claire Kincaid, who was tragically killed in a car accident at the end of a very special episode. Furthermore, if McCoy were tapped by Bush, the Senate would probably take testimony from McCoy's ex-wife and grown daughter, either of whom could personally sink his nomination.

   Despite all of this, however, Bush is apparently enamored with McCoy and reportedly checks in with him once a week, usually Wednesday nights at 10.

8. Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis. At 30, Lewis would be the youngest Supreme Court nominee in American history, just beating a man named Joseph Story, who in 1812 was nominated by President James Madison at the age of 32. Lewis played college football for Miami and earned his degree at Maryland, and supporters say that he therefore has a broad understanding of social and educational issues that transcends region, race, and income level. Lewis is a strong defender against the run and will intercept the occasional pass, a versatility that is currently absent from the High Court.

   One potential snag: Lewis was charged with murder, felony murder, and aggravated assault in the 2001 stabbings of two men in Atlanta. But as President Bush said recently, "Those murder charges were dropped, but Mr. Lewis's spirits remained high."

9. Jesus H. Christ, Son of God, Messiah. American Presidents since George Washington have been trying to nominate Christ (except for William Henry Harrison, Zachary Taylor, Andrew Johnson, and Jimmy Carter, who never had an opening to fill). But without exception, Christ has resisted the temptation to ascend to the High Court and be seated at the right hand of Rehnquist.

   Jesus, a.k.a. Emmanuel ("Manny" to his homies), was getting so many calls from Presidents that in 1969, He issued this statement: "Truly I tell you that from this day forward, whosoever shall be the next to calleth upon me to rise to the Supreme Court of the United States shall be confronted with a serious shitstorm of the Lord's doing." Sure enough, President Richard M. Nixon came calling shortly thereafter, following the resignation of Justice Abe Fortas. In response, Christ staged the Watergate break-in. Nonetheless, Christ remains the hottest judicial commodity out there, and Bush would be loathe to ignore Him.

   However, although He is followed faithfully by millions (in name if not in deed), many conservatives have urged caution if Bush were to consider a Christ nomination. "We're afraid He might go all Souter on us," one of them said.

10. Jasper Hinkle, Buchanan High School Student Council President, Morristown, Missouri. Unlike those for the President, Senate, and House of Representatives, there is no legal minimum age for Supreme Court nominees. And as he has made clear with his choice of Judge Roberts, President Bush is looking for a white, charmingly handsome male with conservative credentials and great hair.

    Enter 17 year-old Jasper Hinkle, riding high after getting his driver's license this summer and entering his senior year at Buchanan High as president of the overwhelmingly white, moderately nubile and supple student body. Hinkle is staunchly pro-lunch and anti-calculus and has vowed that, as president, he will close down Buchanan High's student-run abortion clinic, which was founded by the Drama Club in 2003. Also of note is that by nominating Hinkle to the lifetime term, Bush could leave his mark on the Supreme Court for the next 70 or so years.

    Despite his impressive credentials, however, White House aides see Hinkle as a last resort. For one thing, they say, he still lives with his parents. Also, he only got a 960 on his SATs, a score that was widely regarded inside the Beltway as a total bummer.

11. Howard Stern, radio personality. To say the least, it is extremely unlikely that the controversial Stern would even consider, let alone accept, a nomination to the Supreme Court. The 51 year-old signed a 5-year, $500 million deal with Sirius Satellite Radio last year, and will begin working for them on January 1, 2006. And while Stern and President Bush would seem unlikely bedfellows, they have at least one thing in common: Stern is seen by many conservatives as a symbol of modern moral decay, a walking sign of the coming Apocalypse, and liberals view Bush as the exact same thing.

    Additionally, Bush could actually score a major victory for family-friendly entertainment by convincing Stern to give up his radio empire and take on the solitary life of a Supreme Court justice. Also, while legal scholars and observers would probably be shell-shocked by a Justice Stern, they could take comfort in knowing that his more outlandish opinions- in cases involving, say, midget sex- would be easily overruled by his eight colleagues. Lastly, Stern is of Jewish descent, and Bush figures Ginsburg would dig that.

12. Texas. Could President Bush's home state be the next member of the Supreme Court? No, and neither could Texas (Bush grew up in Connecticut). But that doesn't mean he's not tempted to at least try pushing "The Lonestar State" through to Senate confirmation. Diverse and breathtakingly scenic, Texas offers exactly the kind of middle ground that Bush could be forced to seek if the Senate rejects Judge Roberts for being too conservative.

    On the other hand, the state's 23 million residents would constitute the biggest court-packing attempt in American history, barely surpassing the efforts of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who in 1937 tried to increase the Supreme Court from 9 justices to 15. Still, Texas is reliably conservative and Bush would love to have her on the Court. "Everyone knows you don't mess with Texas, and that includes Breyer, Ginsburg, Souter, and Stevens. Just ask Gore and what's-his-name, Skeletor."