Bush sinks lower.

Just when you think the Bush administration has finally scraped the bottom of the barrel, they go and drill a hole through the bottom and sink even further, down into another, even more disgusting barrel, a barrel jam-packed with the stuff of unconscionable vulgarity, like Olestra and Tony Danza.

Please, we beseech you, write to your local congressman, senator, comptroller, church council president, ombudsman, and/or best boy grip and tell them that you will not stand for the government's latest infringement on our civil liberties; unless, of course, you are in favor of it, in which case we have just wasted a perfectly appropriate use of the word "beseech."

From The Catchpenny's newsroom:

President Bush orders the kidnapping of one pretty young white woman per week until the end of his term

President George W. Bush, taking a well-deserved break from playing beer pong and baking cookies in the shape of American flag-draped coffins, issued Executive Order #61499 late Friday night, calling for the kidnapping of one attractive Caucasian woman each week until his Presidential term expires on January 20, 2009.

"America finds herself at a crossroads," Bush said. "Every day, the news media fill our heads with images of turmoil in Iraq, of our brave young men and women being shot at, bombed, and generally bedeviled all over the battlefields of the war on terror. This coverage comes at us from all angles and from all kinds of sources, especially them 24-hour news channels and BET."

Bush eventually got to the point.

"As I see it," he continued, "these detailed, 'round-the-clock reports are hurting the country; they're bringing down America's spirit, and they're sure making me feel shitty. So today, I am instructing the federal government to kidnap a pretty young white lady every week until I ain't the President no more. After each woman is abducted, a flattering photo and compelling life story will be released to the mainstream media. In this way, we will seriously hamper the progress of all that damaging, morale-crushing reporting."

To those who will say that his "White Female Snatching" plan crosses the line, Bush says, essentially, "Fuck you."

"This plan is a perfectly legitimate way of stopping the insurgent press coverage," he said. "I will insist that no one, but no one in my administration kill any of these women. In fact, they won't even be in that much pain. They might be gagged, and there might be a little light bondage, but that's it. Gotta draw the line somewhere, and I draw it at ball gags and handcuffs."

Just how effective will Bush's latest anti- "terror-describing media" strategy be? That, of course, remains to be seen. But already, some of the President's most vociferous critics are admitting defeat.

"He's gonna get away with this shit again," said former President George H. W. Bush.