Knock knock.Who's there?Harriet.Harriet Who?Harriet my nomination and now I'm doomed. Doooooooomed!

It's been eight days since President Bush announced White House Counsel Harriet Miers as his nominee to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the U.S. Supreme Court.

With each day that has passed since last Monday, new details have emerged about Miers' background. Pundits and less annoying observers have been scouring these tidbits for glimpses into Miers' personal politics, as well as clues as to how she would rule in certain cases that might come before the Court.

Some of what has come to light about Harriet Miers has already proven to be disconcerting- one might even call it "not undisconcerting"- to conservative politicians and thinkers.

So then, what is it about Harriet Miers that has right-wingers all fidgety?

• She donated $1,000 to Al Gore's 1988 presidential campaign.
  

• Her law firm gave $1,000 to Hillary Clinton's 2000 senatorial campaign.
  

• She once personally exhumed Franklin Delano Roosevelt, handed him $1,000, and encouraged him to run for a seat in the U.S. Congress. Roosevelt's silence was his refusal.
  

• Hates guns. Hates 'em. Unlike most conservatives, Miers would like to melt down all weapons and use the material to build an awkward piece of modern art dedicated to world peace and graham crackers.
  

• Loves gays. Loves 'em. Unlike most conservatives, Miers does not want to melt down all gays and lesbians and use the material to build new weapons to make up for those destroyed in the name of world peace and graham crackers.
  

• She is now- and has always been- a member of the Communist Party.
  

• She drives a Prius.
  

• Thinks President Bush is "cool," but feels the same way about Howard Stern, 2 Live Crew, and Paula Poundstone.
  

• She spent an autumn day in 1997 distributing condoms in a Texas public school, with such enthusiasm and dedication that she had to be treated for physical exhaustion and dehydration.
  

• Her Prius has a vanity license plate that reads, "4ABORSHUN."
  

• She once assisted in her own (unsuccessful) suicide.
  

• Consistently chooses paper over plastic.
  

• Faked the Apollo 11 moon landing.
  

• Her Prius's vanity license plate was made entirely of recycled metal and crafted by a group of prisoners, all of whom had death sentences that were commuted by Democratic governors.
  

• She cannot read or write.
  

But other than that, she's perfectly qualified.

Hey, James Dobson likes her, so she must be awesome.

Right?