"6 and 12" for 8/5/05

On Wednesday, President Bush left both the hustle and the bustle of Washington behind and headed to his ranch in Crawford, Texas, where he will enjoy the next five weeks on what he has called a "working vacation."

Presumably, this means that he will spend his time finishing Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, challenging his staff and Cabinet Secretaries to games of Wiffleball and "Smear the Queer," and shoveling mound after mound of delicious cow shit.

At least, that’s what we here at your Catchpenny thought at first. But then we had a second, third, and yes, even a fourth thought, and it occurred to us that perhaps we weren’t giving the Great Relaxer enough credit. So we decided to do a bit of research, though only on the condition that we pay ourselves for it. After a brief but bloody negotiation, we agreed to pay ourselves $6.45 per hour with no opportunity for overtime. Ourselves settled for this paltry sum only because we had all the leverage. Still, we clearly fucked ourselves over. Why would we do that to ourselves? Ask yourselves…

Here now, dedicated to the President’s load-bearing ass, is your "6 and 12" for Friday, August 5.

6 ITEMS ON THE PRESIDENT’S VACATION ITINERARY…

• August 8: Bush will watch on television as the Space Shuttle Discovery returns from space, secretly hoping that it disintegrates, explodes, or crashes, thus giving his job approval rating- down to a subterranean 38% as of this post- an automatic and much-needed boost. Think we’re being too harsh? If so, did you just awake from a coma?

• August 14: Meeting with Ted Nugent, Toby Keith, and Pete Coors- the Secretaries of Shootin’ Varmints, Rockin’ Out, and Kick-Ass Keggers, respectively- to discuss possible twists in the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives and the pros and cons of breast feeding. Tang and marshmallow squares will be served. It will be delightful.

• August 19: Issue preemptive Presidential pardons to Karl Rove, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, John Bolton, Andrew Card, Condoleezza Rice, Ari Fleischer, Scott McClellan, George Tenet, James Dale Guckert (alias Jeff Gannon), Dick and Lynne Cheney, Judge John Roberts, Josiah Bartlett, Tom Cruise, Natalee Holloway, Rafael Palmiero, Roger Ailes, Terry Bradshaw, and the ghost of Richard Nixon for any involvement, real or imagined, that they may have had in leaking to reporters the identity of Barry Allen, aka "The Flash."

• August 28: Dramatically increase efforts to eliminate insects and other pests from the ranch, while simultaneously cutting funding for pesticides, repellants, and exterminators. After a few days of staying safely indoors while the hired help takes the fight to the six-legged enemy, declare "mission accomplished." (Thereafter, Bush will skip the funerals of over 1,800 Orkin employees killed in action on the ranch’s many battle-scarred acres.)

• September 1: Commemorate the 66th anniversary of the Nazi’s invasion of Poland by ordering the invasion of Poland.

• September 5: Spend the entire day indoors at personal computer, closely studying the finer points- the benefits and the drawbacks- of FreeCell research.

… AND 12 DEVELOPMENTS THAT COULD ABRUPTLY END HIS R & R.

• Alien Invasion. If the world is suddenly and brutally assaulted by a malevolent extraterrestrial species- be it from Mars, Alpha Centauri or say, Mepos- President Bush would have no choice but to return to Washington. Aides say that upon receiving the news of such an interplanetary crisis, Bush would likely spend about seven minutes reading an upside-down copy of the short graphic novel My Pet Goat before boarding Air Force One for the trip to D.C.

  "If aliens do descend on Earth," said an anonymous senior adviser, "the President certainly hopes they are less like those in Independence Day and War of the Worlds and more like the ones in E.T. and Spaced Invaders. The President does concede, however, that those face-ripping things from V were pretty rad."

• Invitation to Join a Reality Show. In an effort to regain some of his lost popularity with the American public, Bush has issued standing offers to the producers of MTV’s The Real World, CBS’s Big Brother, Fox’s American Idol, and NBC’s Who Gives a Fuck About These People?, having indicated to all four shows that he would gladly star on any of them if asked. The President himself admits that he will probably not be making any TV appearance that does not involve issuing evasive or vague non-answers to questions posed by phony gay prostitute reporters, but that if the opportunity should arise, he is prepared to abandon his family and his full-time job to discover what happens when people stop being polite and start singing Michael McDonald songs out of tune in a house full of strangers and guest judges.

• A Second Attack on the World Trade Center. Bush has stressed that he neither expects nor wishes this to happen, but another assault on the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York City would certainly cut his recess short. As a precaution, Bush has requested that a delegation consisting of Senator Ted Kennedy, filmmaker Michael Moore, and Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald go to Ground Zero with targets painted on their backs and big poster board signs reading "Islam blows," and report back to him should the Twin Towers be attacked again, whether by airplane, missile, bomb, or catapulted midget. So far, the three would-be delegates have all declined for some reason.

  Nevertheless, Bush remains consistent and determined in both his facial expressions and his empty rhetoric. "I want the people of New York City to know that I will not forget about them. If those beautiful towers are threatened again, I will not hesitate to talk about punishing those responsible. Criminals usually return to the scene of their crimes, so I’m pretty sure the World Trade Center’s majestic towers are still at risk. But I make you this pledge: if Osama bin Laden strikes the World Trade Center again, I am so gonna fuck somebody else’s shit up."

• The Second Coming of Jesus Christ. According to the batshit insane LSD binge that is The Book of Revelation, the return of the living Christ to Earth will precipitate Armageddon, The Apocalypse, The End of Days, Judgment Day, The Big Goodbye, The Hitting of Shit Against Fan- you get the idea. Seeing as how the central goal of Bush II’s administration has been to bring about the End of the World, the President would clearly drop everything- even a particularly tense game of "Connect Four" with Barney, his trusty Scottish terrier- for a chance to meet, befriend, and be escorted on the Ultimate Escalator Ride to Eternal Bliss by Jesus Christ. Speaking recently on the subject, Bush said, "Are you kiddin’? I’d love to meet Jesus. Big fan. I once met Steve Perry, back in ’84; but meeting Jesus would be, like, five or six times as cool as that. Goddamn, that would be sweet."

  For His part, Christ said that while He has no plans to return to Earth at this time, "you never know. I might pop in one of these days, just to screw with the fundies. Maybe I’ll show up at a Baptist church and ask if anyone wants Me to give them communion; then, if anyone says yes, I’ll prick my finger and say, ‘Okay, suck on this.’ Oh, I’m bad. Dad always says I’m going to Hell, but We both know that ain’t happenin’."

• Cows With Guns. Among the least possible scenarios is one in which the many bovine inhabitants of Bush’s ranch spontaneously take up arms and- presumably following a bull-headed leader like Teddy Moosevelt, Julius Cheeser, or Ulysses S. Cow- converge menacingly on the President’s Crawford home, thus forcing the President to flee in unpasteurized, unhomogenized terror.

  Laugh if you must, but keep in mind that this uprising- this "mootiny," if you learn better through asinine puns- is not without precedent:

  Just twelve years ago, in July 1993, President Bill Clinton and his family were enjoying a short stay at Camp David when Clinton’s daughter, Chelsea, was taken hostage by a rabid possum with explosives strapped around its torso. In an impressive display of bipartisanship by both men, Clinton phoned Republican Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah, who sped to the scene and within minutes had put a "cop-killer" bullet between the possum’s eyes.

  In 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was enjoying a trip to rural Oregon when a rogue family of beavers- apparently unsatisfied with America’s sluggish rebound from economic depression- gnawed through one of the spokes of his wheelchair. Roosevelt fell from the chair but escaped unscathed and, with no cameras present, his tumble went unreported for decades. FDR sternly rebuked the beavers for their insolence, and also condemned anyone who might ever make light of the incident in the future, particularly using what he called "the Internet."

  And finally, in the most famous animal-on-President bitch slap to date, President Abraham Lincoln was watching a play at Ford’s Theater in April 1865 when he was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth, who we all know was part owl.

• Playstation 2 – Related Catastrophe. If there’s one thing of which Bush will live in pants-wetting fear for the next five weeks, aside from the reemergence of the wanted criminal mastermind known only as "The Hamburglar," it is that his beloved Playstation 2 will break or be stolen, shat upon, or eaten. A top White House aide admits that such an unfortunate occurrence would "piss POTUS off to no end, that’s for sure. POTUS would not like that one bit; POTUS’d be on Air Force One the second he couldn’t play with that thing anymore." The aide also admitted that he just likes finding excuses to use the word "POTUS" because, he says, "it sounds kinda dirty, don’t it?"

  So, you may ask, couldn’t Bush just buy another PS2? "Nah," said Bush. "All they got around these parts are Wal-Marts, and they’re always sold out of ‘em. I don’t go to Wal-Mart anyways, cuz they never have the cool games I want, like Grand Theft Auto, Max Payne, and Send a Bunch of Kids off to Die for No Valid Motherfucking Reason. Screw that."

  Among his many PS2 accomplishments, Bush has completed all three Timesplitters games and is currently riding a six-game winning streak as the Texas Rangers in Electronic Arts’ MVP 2005. Indeed, Bush has only ever encountered one PS2 game at which he did not excel. "I never could get the hang of You Are the President," he said. "That one always gets me."

• Canada Attacks! Administration officials consider this even less likely than the gun-toting cow thing, but just as a precaution they are prepared to take action "in case them canucks try any funny stuff while the President is chillin’ in his crib yo" [not a direct quote].

  Last week, the Defense Department reported that Canadian troops were amassing in a "disconcerting and threatening manner" along the St. Lawrence River. In response, President Bush issued this brief statement just before beginning his vacation: "Bring it on, ya dirty hosers! I dare you to attack us while I’m in Texas. In fact, I double-fucking-dog dare you!"

  Canada could not be reached for comment.

• The Combat Deaths of the Bush Twins. It goes without saying that if the President’s daughters, Jenna and Barbara, were ever killed in the line of duty while valiantly serving their nation in the new Republic of Iraq, the proud father would rush back to the White House to grieve and almost certainly think about possibly attending their funerals.

  "The President is very proud of his precious daughters," said cherubic White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "He shudders at the thought of anything happening to them that would cause them to no longer be alive. And so of course, if Jenna and Barbara fall prey to the enemy in Iraq, President Bush will immediately return from Crawford."

  At present, the Bush twins are said to be stationed in the notoriously volatile Georgetown section of Iraq.

• Rise of the Proletariat. If, in the next thirty days, America’s proletariat should violently rise up to overthrow the bourgeoisie, President Bush will be whisked away by Secret Service agents and taken to American University in Washington, D.C., where he will enroll in a 4-credit Political Theory course to learn the difference between the proletariat and bourgeoisie. Bush will then, presumably, take some sort of action, perhaps involving an insistence that something or someone not be "left behind."

• Beatles Reunion Tour. Like thousands of his fellow Americans who are both Beatles fans and developmentally retarded, President Bush longingly marks off each day on his SpongeBob desk calendar as one more day throughout which the "Fab Four" have remained in their separate corners, seemingly unwilling or somehow even unable to reconcile their differences and embark on a worldwide reunion tour.

  "I love the Beatles," Bush confessed recently. "Know what I love about ‘em? You can tell they rock, cuz they got the word ‘beat’ right there in the name. I always hated Yoko Ono [the mercurial Japanese woman who many fans blamed for the band’s demise], but now that she’s dead, I don’t understand why those guys can’t reunite. As soon as I was offered the Presidency by the Supreme Court in 2000, I even tried to get the Beatles back together myself. I found John Lennon’s phone number etched in the tile right above the pisser in the Oval Office men’s room- I guess one of the other presidents put it there; I assume it was LBJ or Captain Kangaroo- so I dialed it and got one a’ them phone voice ladies, and she’s all like ‘I’m sorry, please try again,’ and I’m all like ‘Ppfffffffftt.’"

  Bush added, "What’s the story, guys? We’re waiting."

• Zombies. On the campaign trail in his 2000 and 2004 Presidential runs, one of Bush’s favorite and most endearing anecdotes was the story of how, as a child, he had a recurring dream that millions of long-dead corpses had reanimated themselves and were running wild in the streets of America, feasting on the flesh of the living and assraping women and children. Indeed, Bush’s sweet-natured telling of this childhood memory was credited by many observers with clinching the Presidency for him. And while the transcontinental enslavement of those who are alive by those who should no longer be remains the stuff of Hollywood and the beer-induced nocturnal fantasies of future presidents, the fact is that it still scares the bejesus out of our 43rd Commander-in-Chief. So rest assured, America, that President Bush would definitely return to the White House if the zombies attack, though probably only to grab a few personal belongings before leaving forever in screaming, uncontrollable panic.

  Zombies are of serious enough concern, in fact, that deep within the bowels of the hefty "Patriot Act," there is an entire subsection that deals with what American families can do to fight off zombies who would attempt to eat them or rape them in the ass-al region. Most of the tips deal with finding new and creative "anti-undead" uses for duct tape. Should duct tape not be enough to ward off the bloodthirsty hordes, the government suggests that you and your family either purchase or rent any of the Resident Evil video games for PS2, Xbox, or PC. "Those games are like how-to manuals when it comes to anti-zombie tactics," the subsection reads.

• If That Damned Neighbor Kid Doesn’t Keep Off the White House Lawn. At 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue, there stands a humble two-story house with white aluminum siding and green shutters on the windows. In that house lives George’s nemesis, a little rapscallion by the name of Dennis. "He is forever on my lawn," said George. "If I hear about him coming on my lawn just one more time, I’m going to march over there and have a serious talk with his parents. They’re nice folks, his folks are. But if that kid doesn’t shape up, he’s going straight to Gitmo, and that’s all there is to it."