"6 and 12" for 8/2/05

On September 6, the Senate Judiciary Committee will convene to begin the confirmation hearings for Judge John Roberts, President Bush's enigmatic and dimple-chinned choice to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the United States Supreme Court. As the already-fierce war of rhetoric continues to escalate between Republicans, Democratics, and thirtysomething policy wonk virgins who fall asleep every night with an open copy of Congressional Quarterly in one hand and their own pulsating genitals in the other, we here at your Catchpenny thought that this would be a good time to introduce a new feature.

It's called "6 and 12," and it's so simple that even people from Mississippi will be able to follow it. (That is, they would be able to follow it. If they could read. And had electricity.) We simply focus on one topic- in this case, the cutie-pie Roberts- and give you 6 things related to that topic, followed quickly by 12 additional things related to those first 6. Sounds stupid, I know. But you'll catch on- I'm looking at you, Senator Lott.

6 ISSUES THAT COULD DERAIL JOHN ROBERTS' SCOTUS NOMINATION...

1. In 2003, as a judge on the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals, Roberts affirmed the ruling of a district court in the case of Bunny v. Duck. Writing for the majority, Roberts said that at the time of the dispute in question, it was, as the plaintiff had argued, duck season.

   Legal scholars have since determined that neither side had a compelling argument, and Roberts has said that his opinion in Bunny was heavily influenced by an amicus curiae brief filed by one F. Leghorn.

2. In 1994, as leader of his church choir, Roberts suggested that the group perform an a capella rendition of "Angels From the Realms of Glory." The organist, one David Schaffer, took exception with this idea, mistaking the judge's love of unaccompanied vocal harmonies for a rejection of his piano-playing abilities. Words were exchanged and by the end of the night, Roberts had beaten Schaffer over the head with a bingo card and communion chalice.

3. During a three-week stint as substitute host of The Wheel of Fortune in 1986, Roberts was accused of negotiating a vowels-for-hostages exchange with the Iranian government.

4. In 1982, as Special Assistant to Attorney General William French Smith, Roberts was heavily involved in discussions that led to the cancellation of Bosom Buddies. For many in Congress, the pain of this loss is still fresh.

5. As a clerk for then-Associate Justice William H. Rehnquist in 1980, Roberts made what some believe was an ethically reprehensible move when he injected his boss with an experimental human growth hormone. Rehnquist temporarily grew to a height of 12 feet, 5 1/4 inches and a weight of 845 pounds.

   The soon-to-be Chief Justice's body returned to normal size two hours later, but he continues to enjoy the primary side effect of the drug, which will cause him to live to the ripe old age of 317.

6. Judge Roberts has a tail, and that's just gross.

...AND 12 POTENTIAL REPLACEMENTS IN CASE ROBERTS IS REJECTED.

1. Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove, whose propensity for treasonous incompetence (in the ongoing CIA leak case and the lesser known incident in which he shot down an American F-15 with a shoulder-fired missile and then ate the downed plane piece by piece) is apparently A-OK with most Republicans in Congress. Rove also apparently has some minor experience as a Republican consultant.

2. Judge Joseph Albert Wapner, Jr., whose experience in adjudicating before both humans and animals is said to be highly regarded by Bush. Wapner's positions on such hot-button issues as abortion, the death penalty, and the "war on terror" are not well known, but Bush might be willing to exchange a few stray opinions for the silky smooth confirmation process that the President believes would be guaranteed by Wapner's name recognition and star power.

   As a bonus, were Wapner to ascend to the Supreme Court, he would bring with him bailiff "Rusty" Burrell and court reporter Doug Llewellyn.

3. Reverend Jerry L. Falwell, pastor of Thomas Road Baptist Church and founder of the "Moral Majority" and Liberty University. Falwell, whose resume is familiar to millions and covered in faux-Christian cooties, is the one person whose nomination would hasten the demise of modern civilization. For this reason- and because mentioning Falwell's name aloud causes the speaker's mouth to erupt in fiery hot canker sores- Bush is not expected to be seriously considering Falwell.

   Also, a gentleman's magazine once reported that Falwell had an incestuous encounter with his own mother, and legal scholars fear this alleged incident (which haunts the pastor to this day) would influence the opinion of a Justice Falwell in any "mom-fucking" cases brought before the Court, especially from the Deep South. Plus, his confirmation would probably lead to an all-out battle for Satan's favor between Falwell and Justice Antonin Scalia.

4. Charles Manson. On the surface, this seems like a silly and outrageously dangerous choice, what with his "we have to kill all the black people before they overthrow the whites" stance, to say nothing of his well-established "pro-stabbing" position.

   But Manson has a thorough knowledge on the nation's penal and prison system that gives him a rare and potentially indispensable perspective. As one who was born to a sixteen year-old mother, Manson also understands the pitfalls of teenage pregnancy. In addition, it goes without saying that he is a strong advocate of the death penalty, which is always a plus for President Bush.

   Manson's bloodthirsty presence on the bench could also lead to a smaller, more manageable Supreme Court, with as few as two or three judges surviving the carnage which Manson's confirmation would most assuredly precede.

5. Former Secretary of State Colin L. Powell. Though he has never been a judge at any level, Powell's outstanding lifetime of service in both the military and the State Department make him a uniquely qualified choice to... Just kidding. Bush fuckin' hates this guy.

6. Judge Reinhold. Beloved by millions and very, very available, Judge Reinhold could be a darkhorse consensus pick to replace Roberts should the current nominee falter. He has performed a great deal of charitable work, most notably with the Boys and Girls Clubs of America's "Smart Moves" program in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Reinhold has also recently expressed a desire to become manager of baseball's Arizona Diamondbacks, exhibiting an ambition and determination by which President Bush is said to be extremely impressed.

   Reinhold is believed to be a moderate on most issues and more importantly, as Bush has said, "this guy has been a Judge his whole life. And I really appreciate his work in those Santa Clause movies."

7. New York City Executive Assistant District Attorney Jack McCoy. As a brilliant and often ruthless presence in the New York D.A.'s office since 1994, McCoy has earned the respect of nearly everyone who has worked with or against him with his passion for justice and his unbridled love for the law.

   However, McCoy's zeal has led him to push ethical boundaries on a number of occasions, incidents which may land him in trouble if he ever has to face the Judiciary Committee. Also of concern is McCoy's reputation as a heavy drinker and womanizer; he is still said to suffer from the rocky relationship he once had with former assistant Claire Kincaid, who was tragically killed in a car accident at the end of a very special episode. Furthermore, if McCoy were tapped by Bush, the Senate would probably take testimony from McCoy's ex-wife and grown daughter, either of whom could personally sink his nomination.

   Despite all of this, however, Bush is apparently enamored with McCoy and reportedly checks in with him once a week, usually Wednesday nights at 10.

8. Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis. At 30, Lewis would be the youngest Supreme Court nominee in American history, just beating a man named Joseph Story, who in 1812 was nominated by President James Madison at the age of 32. Lewis played college football for Miami and earned his degree at Maryland, and supporters say that he therefore has a broad understanding of social and educational issues that transcends region, race, and income level. Lewis is a strong defender against the run and will intercept the occasional pass, a versatility that is currently absent from the High Court.

   One potential snag: Lewis was charged with murder, felony murder, and aggravated assault in the 2001 stabbings of two men in Atlanta. But as President Bush said recently, "Those murder charges were dropped, but Mr. Lewis's spirits remained high."

9. Jesus H. Christ, Son of God, Messiah. American Presidents since George Washington have been trying to nominate Christ (except for William Henry Harrison, Zachary Taylor, Andrew Johnson, and Jimmy Carter, who never had an opening to fill). But without exception, Christ has resisted the temptation to ascend to the High Court and be seated at the right hand of Rehnquist.

   Jesus, a.k.a. Emmanuel ("Manny" to his homies), was getting so many calls from Presidents that in 1969, He issued this statement: "Truly I tell you that from this day forward, whosoever shall be the next to calleth upon me to rise to the Supreme Court of the United States shall be confronted with a serious shitstorm of the Lord's doing." Sure enough, President Richard M. Nixon came calling shortly thereafter, following the resignation of Justice Abe Fortas. In response, Christ staged the Watergate break-in. Nonetheless, Christ remains the hottest judicial commodity out there, and Bush would be loathe to ignore Him.

   However, although He is followed faithfully by millions (in name if not in deed), many conservatives have urged caution if Bush were to consider a Christ nomination. "We're afraid He might go all Souter on us," one of them said.

10. Jasper Hinkle, Buchanan High School Student Council President, Morristown, Missouri. Unlike those for the President, Senate, and House of Representatives, there is no legal minimum age for Supreme Court nominees. And as he has made clear with his choice of Judge Roberts, President Bush is looking for a white, charmingly handsome male with conservative credentials and great hair.

    Enter 17 year-old Jasper Hinkle, riding high after getting his driver's license this summer and entering his senior year at Buchanan High as president of the overwhelmingly white, moderately nubile and supple student body. Hinkle is staunchly pro-lunch and anti-calculus and has vowed that, as president, he will close down Buchanan High's student-run abortion clinic, which was founded by the Drama Club in 2003. Also of note is that by nominating Hinkle to the lifetime term, Bush could leave his mark on the Supreme Court for the next 70 or so years.

    Despite his impressive credentials, however, White House aides see Hinkle as a last resort. For one thing, they say, he still lives with his parents. Also, he only got a 960 on his SATs, a score that was widely regarded inside the Beltway as a total bummer.

11. Howard Stern, radio personality. To say the least, it is extremely unlikely that the controversial Stern would even consider, let alone accept, a nomination to the Supreme Court. The 51 year-old signed a 5-year, $500 million deal with Sirius Satellite Radio last year, and will begin working for them on January 1, 2006. And while Stern and President Bush would seem unlikely bedfellows, they have at least one thing in common: Stern is seen by many conservatives as a symbol of modern moral decay, a walking sign of the coming Apocalypse, and liberals view Bush as the exact same thing.

    Additionally, Bush could actually score a major victory for family-friendly entertainment by convincing Stern to give up his radio empire and take on the solitary life of a Supreme Court justice. Also, while legal scholars and observers would probably be shell-shocked by a Justice Stern, they could take comfort in knowing that his more outlandish opinions- in cases involving, say, midget sex- would be easily overruled by his eight colleagues. Lastly, Stern is of Jewish descent, and Bush figures Ginsburg would dig that.

12. Texas. Could President Bush's home state be the next member of the Supreme Court? No, and neither could Texas (Bush grew up in Connecticut). But that doesn't mean he's not tempted to at least try pushing "The Lonestar State" through to Senate confirmation. Diverse and breathtakingly scenic, Texas offers exactly the kind of middle ground that Bush could be forced to seek if the Senate rejects Judge Roberts for being too conservative.

    On the other hand, the state's 23 million residents would constitute the biggest court-packing attempt in American history, barely surpassing the efforts of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who in 1937 tried to increase the Supreme Court from 9 justices to 15. Still, Texas is reliably conservative and Bush would love to have her on the Court. "Everyone knows you don't mess with Texas, and that includes Breyer, Ginsburg, Souter, and Stevens. Just ask Gore and what's-his-name, Skeletor."