"6 and 12" for 8/16/05

At a Defense Department press briefing last Tuesday, Secretary Donald “O.J.” Rumsfeld announced the following, and he was apparently serious:

Every year since September 11th attacks, Americans have commemorated that anniversary. This year the Department of Defense will initiate an America Supports You Freedom Walk. The walk will begin at the Pentagon and end at the National Mall. It will include many of the major monuments in Washington, D.C. reminding participants of the sacrifices of this generation and of each previous generation that has so successfully defended our freedoms. Freedom Walk participants will be invited to a special performance by country singer Clint Black. And more information about this event will be on the Department of Defense website: www.americasupportsyou.mil.

This, of course, makes perfect sense. After all, when we at The Catchpenny reflect on the events of that horrific day- the smoke billowing from the Twin Towers, the heart-rending cries of those who lost loved ones, the firefighters and police and paramedics walking into certain death- the first and most appropriate public commemoration that leaps to mind is a country music concert preceded by a short stroll, all of it encased in a sticky-sweet, wave-the-flag-till-your-wrist-snaps slogan.

Critics of the plan- including family members of those lost on 9/11 and even some Clint Black fans who have, you know, tact and souls- have called the proposed- for desperate lack of a better word- festivities “inappropriate.”

In response, the Bush administration called the critics “terrorists.”

Okay, no they didn’t. At least, not publicly.

Yet.

As we digest the unveiling of the America Supports You Freedom Walk and what we are certain will be a bitchin’ set by Mr. Black, we decided to try using the “World Wide Web” to see if we could find out more about what seems to us like a brain-rapingly improper event. So we gathered our “interns” (actually a couple of pandas we kidnapped from the San Diego Zoo), sat them in front of the computer, and went to the local country club to carjack golf carts while heavily armed with butter knives and empty water pistols.

When we got back, we were shocked to find that Zsu-Zsu and Maurice had run away, and that along with a big, smelly pile of White Castle takeout, they had left us this:


6 UNPUBLICIZED ASPECTS OF THE “AMERICA SUPPORTS YOU FREEDOM WALK” AND CLINT BLACK CONCERT MARKING THE FOURTH ANNIVERSARY OF 9/11…

• Let’s start with the one that most makes us want to lose our lunch, dinner, and then tomorrow’s breakfast, lunch, late afternoon snack, dinner, and midnight Chubby Hubby binge. NBA greats Shaquille O’Neal and Kevin Garnett will be in attendance, dressed in specially-designed and taxpayer-funded costumes to look like the Twin Towers. Throughout the day, youngsters will be invited to pretend that they are airplanes, extending their arms outward like wings and running headfirst into the superstars’ legs. The children may even make that motor noise they often make when imagining that they are heavy machinery.

• The Air Force will stage a reenactment of the attack on the Pentagon, complete with an authentic Boeing 757 nearly identical to Flight 77, which crashed into the outer ring of the complex on 9/11, killing two hundred. However, instead of actually crashing a plane into the building, the Air Force will shoot down the reenactment airliner and scatter its wreckage across hundreds of acres, thus demonstrating, as Rumsfeld says, “how it all should have transpired that morning.”

  The government is currently accepting volunteers to serve as pilot, co-pilot, and flight attendants on the “do-over” aircraft.

• While personally conducting the “sound check” session preceding his performance, Clint Black will have the microphone stolen from him by the cute Dixie Chick, Natalie Maines, who will then begin singing her own songs. This will force Black to wrestle with Maines for control of the stage, thus honoring the heroes of Flight 93, whose rebellion against that plane’s hijackers prevented it from reaching its intended destination, which was almost certainly either the White House or the Capitol. Officials are still discussing whether or not they will arm Maines with a box cutter.

• Every single attendee will have the following done to them: they will be personally frisked by former Attorney General John Ashcroft; stripped naked and tortured ever so gently by current Attorney General Alberto Gonzales; wrapped in duct tape and bored shitless by former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge; creeped the fuck out by current Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff; asked to accept Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation by Rummy himself; slightly encouraged by remarks from former Secretary of State and gate crasher Colin Powell; quickly brought back to crushing, Keystone Cops reality by current Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice; and discreetly given a piece of classified information by Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove .

  Yes, it promises to be a veritable Neocon Fantasy Camp. Who’s up for a nude human pyramid? I so am.

• But if you think that last one means no fun stuff for the kids, well rest assured that you’re a moron. Running headlong into Shaq’s kneecaps isn’t the only treat to which Johnny and Janie can look forward; indeed, the Support American Freedom Thing or Whatever The Hell It’s Called will be overflowing with activities your whole family can enjoy; even your gullible, pee-soaked rugrats. These three are sure to be among the most popular:

  At the face-painting booth, your child will be able to get the likeness of his or her favorite circa-9/11 national security adviser inked on his or her cheek, even Against All Enemies author Richard Clarke.

  Like clowns? No? What about clowns dressed as Osama Bin Laden? Still no, huh? Disagreeable sumbitch, aren’t ya? Well, once each hour whether you like it or not, attendees will be invited to crowd around a clown in a Bin Laden costume and corner him in a papier-mâché cave on the capitol mall. Once the clown is fully surrounded, President Bush himself will arrive and order everyone to turn their backs, at which time the clown will sneak away.

  And finally, balloons! Yes, all day, helium-filled balloons ranging in color from red to violet and in creed from Baptist to Southern Baptist will be freely distributed to children of all ages. Kids, adults, and senile old bats will have their choice of two fun shapes: balloons shaped like America’s pre-9/11 sense of security; and balloons that resemble the amount of international respect paid to America before and in the weeks immediately following 9/11. Everyone will be asked to hang on to their balloons until the end of Clint Black’s performance, at which time White House staffers will come around to pop them with official War on Terror® hypodermic needles.

  War on Terror® hypodermic needles. They're Guantanariffic!

• The coup de grace will come when President Bush personally announces the winner of the “Find Dick” competition. Vice President Cheney will be conspicuous by his absence, and at first, most people will understandably assume that his heart has short-circuited while trying to escape from his chest again. But in fact, all day, America Walks And Chews Hay at the Same Time Or Whatever volunteers will be walking around with entry forms and asking you to fill one out. The object? See if you can correctly guess the vice president’s “undisclosed location.”

  If you get it right, you will be branded a witch, bound and gagged, and thrown into the Reflecting Pool. If you sink, you were a witch. If you float, you will be shipped to Guantanamo Bay and detained until legal representation can be procured, or until the Sun expands into a Red Giant and swallows the Earth, whichever comes first. (Hint: it won’t be the lawyer thing.)

…AND 12 OTHER CELEBRATIONS CURRENTLY BEING ORGANIZED BY THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION.

• 66th anniversary of Nazi march into Poland (September 1): As noted in an earlier post (see “6 and 12” for 8/5/05), a vacationing President Bush will mark the anniversary of the September 1, 1939 Nazi invasion of Poland by ordering the September 1, 2005 American invasion of Poland. Bush said that he expects the Polish citizenry to “welcome us as liberators, embracing us with open arms and giving our soldiers hugs, flowers, and far too much sausage.” The well-tanned president said that American troops will have two objectives in Poland: first and foremost, “to introduce democracy to that barren desert wasteland;” and second, “to determine once and for all exactly how many of them it takes to screw in a light bulb.”

• 76th anniversary of “Black Thursday” stock market crash (October 24): This crash- which precipitated the start of the Great Depression, the end of Herbert Hoover’s political career, and Franklin D. Roosevelt’s ascension to the presidency- will be marked by the Bush White House with a somber ceremony on Wall Street featuring seven different renditions of “Nearer My God to Thee,” President Bush himself reading aloud the long list of innocent people killed and injured in the market’s crash, and Treasury Secretary John Snow delivering a keynote address titled, “Dear NASDAQ, All This Happened Before You Were Born.” Bush will be wearing a three-piece suit fashioned entirely from recycled $100 bills, while Vice President Cheney’s suit will be made of the working man’s flesh. At the ceremony’s conclusion, the New York Stock Exchange will be demolished so that, as Bush said, “we will be able to honor those Americans who struggled in those days by struggling ourselves, in these days, now, today, at present, currently.” American officials predict that immediately after this service and destruction of the NYSE, Canada will launch a full-scale invasion.

• 42nd anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s assassination (November 22): Unless you are retarded or very young (in which case your parents obviously are not monitoring your net-surfing habits; and if that is the case, please visit our sister site, "Hot Lobbyist Sluts 'R' Us"), you know that President John F. Kennedy was shot and killed on November 22, 1963, as his motorcade proceeded down Elm Street in Dallas, Texas. In tribute to Kennedy, President Bush will be in Dallas this November 22. His motorcade will be similar to Kennedy’s; it will follow the exact same path through town and feature a replica of the open-top Lincoln Continental limousine in which Kennedy was seated when he was shot. As his motorcade turns onto Elm St., Bush will stand up on the limo’s backseat and scream “Bring it on! Bring it on!” until either his throat is sore or someone, at his suggestion, brings “it” on.

  Following behind Bush’s Lincoln will be a parade of Dallas-area schoolchildren, each dressed as someone who has been fingered as the culprit responsible for JFK’s death: Lee Harvey Oswald; Fidel Castro; Lyndon Baines Johnson; the Mafia; Richard Nixon; Nikita Khrushchev and the K.G.B.; Allen Dulles and/or the CIA; J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI; Martians, led by everyone’s favorite Martian, Ray Walston; Jackie Kennedy; Marilyn Monroe’s breasts; a falling meteorite; Nixon’s dog, Checkers; a time-traveling bullet fired by John Wilkes Booth in 1865; and Blast-O the Invisible Shootist.

• 64th anniversary of Pearl Harbor (December 7): To mark this “date which will live in infamy” on which the Japanese bombed American forces at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, in 1941, President Bush has announced that the United States will bomb Japan “back to the pre-Nintendo days, and I’m talkin’ ‘bout before even the eight-bit original Nintendo, with your Duck Hunt and your Double Dragon, way before the N64 or Super Nintendo.”

  Bush said that the planned American assault on Japan- which is now considered among our closest international allies- is “pure, straight-ahead revenge.”

  “The United States have never gotten back at the Japanese for what they did to us at Pearl Harbor,” Bush said. “We never bombed 'em, never jailed their people and descendants in some kind of camps, never did nothin’ to ‘em.”

  But wasn’t Pearl Harbor a surprise attack? Why reveal all this three months beforehand?

  “Y’all don’t know yer stuff,” Bush said. “FDR knew about Pearl Harbor before it happened, and Japanese-Americans have always been treated with respect. Y’all got to brush up on your history. I listen to my professor every morning. Name is ‘Limbaugh.’”

• 20th anniversary of Space Shuttle Challenger disaster (January 28): Most of us will never forget where we were on this date in 1986 when the Challenger exploded just after takeoff. For example, I was vacationing with my seventh wife, Esmeralda, in the belly of a humpback whale (it was not a scheduled stop). I will never forget that day: the tragedy; President Ronald Reagan’s national address; the bellowing, never-ending mating calls.

  Vice President Cheney said that to mark the 20th anniversary of that sad day, the government asks that on January 28, 2006, all Americans drink only Tang and eat only dehydrated Neapolitan ice cream. During prime-time television hours that evening, American families will be invited to watch The Space Shuttle Challenger 20th Anniversary Spectacular, starring such Hollywood luminaries as Valerie Harper, Bruce Vilanch, and the ghost of Rod Roddy, and featuring “The Challenger Flamenco Dancers.”

  Meanwhile, Cheney said, he and the president will probably attend some kind of memorial service, although President Bush is reportedly “totally bummed out” because the service figures to be a “major downer, bro.”

• 314th anniversary of the start of Salem Witch Trials (March 1): Before Joe McCarthy, before Franz Kafka’s The Trial, and even before John Ashcroft, there was Salem. On March 1, 1692, three Massachusetts women were accused of witchcraft and imprisoned, marking the beginning of one of the most shameful chapters in American history. In recognition of this day- in addition to the witch-related activities already planned for the 9/11 Free Walk to More Supportive Something (see above)- President Bush, Vice President Cheney, and Attorney General Alberto “Johnny Ghraib” Gonzales will on March 1, 2006, personally try, convict, and burn more than nine hundred witches, including John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, Al Franken, The Rolling Stones, Maureen Dowd, James Carville, Matt Groening, Jon Stewart, Bert, Ernie, Josiah Bartlett, Murphy Brown, Markos Moulitsas Zuniga, and Colin Powell.

  Oh, that reminds us; The Catchpenny will not exist after February 28.

• 15th anniversary of Rodney King beating (March 3): The videotaped beating of motorist “Rodney” Glen King by four Los Angeles Police Officers launched a sequence of events that culminated in the acquittal of those officers on excessive force charges and the firestorm of the 1992 L.A. riots.

  Believe it or not, fifteen years have passed since that infamous incident, and President Bush- fresh off that witch-burning extravaganza- will be in Los Angeles to observe its anniversary in what aides call a “solemn, dignified affair.” Joined by California Governor Arnold “Statutory” Schwarzenegger and Senators Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein, President Bush will invite King back to Lake View Terrace, the residential neighborhood where King’s traffic stop and beating occurred. At the ceremony, Bush and Schwarzenegger will present King with a small plaque reading, “Congratulations to Herb’s Automotive Supplies and Mini-mart, Tri-Valley Bowling League Champs 1987.” Upon receiving this trophy, King is expected to give a short speech, after which he will be arrested on one charge of receiving stolen property (namely, a plaque reading, “Congratulations to Herb’s Automotive Supplies and Mini-mart, Tri-Valley Bowling League Champs 1987”). King will then be thrown into the backseat of a police cruiser and taken to a nearby holding cell.

  Bush said that he does not expect King to resist arrest, “but we’ll have some coked-up LAPD officers on the scene, just in case.”

• 170th anniversary of the Battle of the Alamo (March 6): The travel slogan is “Texas: It’s like a whole other country.” In March of 1836, that’s exactly what the “Lone Star State” became, officially declaring independence from Mexico and drafting its own constitution. On March 6, 189 Texan defenders of the fort at the Alamo were defeated by the Mexican army after a 13-day siege, but Texas’ separation from Mexico had been assured. Texas remained sovereign until 1845, when it became the 28th member of the United States. But for about nine years, Texas was its own self-contained chaw-spittin’, cow-wrasslin’ hick paradise.

  To celebrate the 170th anniversary of the Alamo and honor what he calls “the glory days” of Texas’ self-rule, President Bush will go to San Antonio and proclaim that for 24 hours- from noon on March 6, 2006, until noon on March 7- Texas will be completely independent once again, totally free from the laws of the United States government. Texas residents- as well as roughneck outlaws pouring in from around the U.S.- are expected to take full advantage of this one-day grace period, randomly shooting sheriffs (but not the deputies), ripping the tags off of mattresses, recording and rebroadcasting Major League Baseball games without express written consent, and making sweet, sweet love to armadillos.

  President Bush himself will enthusiastically participate in the mayhem, challenging filmmaker Michael Moore to a high noon musket duel in the Old Town Square.

• 94th anniversary of sinking of Titanic (April 15): On April 14, 1912, at 11:40 p.m., the RMS Titanic struck an iceberg in the North Atlantic during its first and only voyage. Less than three hours later, at 2:20 a.m., the massive ship was gone, along with 1,522 passengers, most of them Americans.

  The federal government has undertaken a campaign, headed by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Secretary of the Navy Gordon R. England, to encourage citizens to take time on April 15, 2006 to pay tribute to the lives lost with the “unsinkable” ship.

  How? “We want all Americans to find a moment on that day where they can fill their bathtubs or sinks and then submerge and hold their heads underwater for exactly 94 seconds,” Rice said. “All those poor people died that night in the freezing ocean. The least we can do is hold our breath for a little bit.”

  “Also, to all you parents,” added England, “Feel free to get your kids involved. If they can’t hold their breath that long, you go ahead and hold their faces under the water until the 94 seconds are up. Help your kids, and your neighbors. It does take a village, after all.”

  When asked if they would be participating in this nationwide head-dunking, England simply chuckled, while Rice burst into a hearty laugh as she inserted an entire six-inch toasted Quizno's sub between her front two upper teeth.

• 100th anniversary of San Francisco earthquake and fire (April 18): At about 5:12 on the morning of April 18, 1906, an earthquake measuring 7.9 on the moment magnitude scale rocked the San Francisco area like nothing before or since, with the possible exceptions of the Grateful Dead and Huey Lewis and the News. The quake lasted 47 seconds and launched uncontrollable fires, decimating the city and leaving more than 3,000 dead and 225,000 homeless.

  While somber memorials can be expected across the Bay Area for the centennial of this devastating day, Vice President Cheney is expected only to give a brief address to San Franciscans before attempting to set fire to the entire liberal-loving city with a military-issue flamethrower known as “The Harvey Fiersteinerizer;” this device is not to be confused with the Bush Administration’s “Plamethrower,” otherwise known as Karl Rove. Cheney is then expected to make a joke about the 1906 fire involving the multiple connotations of the word “flaming” before fleeing California on horseback, cackling evilly.

• 7th anniversary of Columbine High School slayings (April 20): On this date in 1999, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold killed 12 of their fellow students and one teacher before committing suicide at Columbine High School near Denver, Colorado.

  On this date in 2006, President Bush will spend the morning hours chuckling to himself; not because of Columbine, but because on this date in 1979, President Jimmy Carter was attacked by a swamp rabbit while vacationing in Plains, Georgia. Later in the day, however, a senior advisor will remind Bush about Columbine, at which time the president will observe a one-minute moment of silence before feasting on a dinner consisting of veal and the laughter of young children. Bush will then take a moment to remember the other events of past April 20’s, including the creation of the Wisconsin territory (1836), Apollo 16’s Moon landing (1972), and the first Major League Baseball game ever played in Hawaii (Padres vs. Cardinals, 1997). Bush will fall asleep that night regretting that he forgot about Columbine and commit himself to righting his mistake by hosting a huge Toby Keith concert on April 20, 2007. And yes, it will include “The Flying Columbine Trapeze Monkeys.”

• 12th anniversary of Simpson/Goldman murders (June 12): Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman were viciously stabbed to death outside her home around 10:30 Pacific Time on the evening of June 12, 1994. The murderer was, as best as we can tell from the evidence we possess (a copy of Simpson’s 1995 book I Want to Tell You and his 1971 Topps football card, in near-mint condition), someone other than O.J. Simpson. Let’s call him "J.S. Oimpson." These murders and the ensuing twenty-zillion-ring media circus changed the way news is covered and launched the careers of countless TV personalities, including Fox’s Greta Van Susteren, who we assume sends "Mr. Oimpson" a card every year around this time to thank him for killing Ms. Simpson and Mr. Goldman.

  So, on June 12, 2006, President Bush will appear before a national television audience and encourage all Americans to help him find the “real killer.” Upon seeing Bush say this, millions of viewers will point accusingly at their TV screens. Following his speech, Bush is expected to engage O.J. in a playful slow-speed car chase down Interstate 405. A.C. Cowlings has been invited to participate, but the walking Trivial Pursuit answer/kitschy reference has yet to reply and is presumed dead.