"Cheap Joke of the Day" for 9/15/06

"Cheap Joke of the Day" for 9/14/06

Okay, fine, I admit it: I support the terrorists.

"I listen to my Democratic friends and I wonder if they're more interested in protecting the terrorists than protecting the American people."
-- House Majority Leader John Boehner, Tuesday, 9/12/06

“…Suggestions, for example, that we should withdraw U.S. forces from Iraq, simply feed into that whole notion, validates the strategy of the terrorists.”
-- Vice President Dick Cheney on MTP, Sunday, 9/10/06

“With the growing lethality and the increasing availability of weapons, can we truly afford to believe that somehow, some way, vicious extremists can be appeased?”
-- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Tuesday, 8/29/06

I have a confession to make. I give up. They nailed me. I, Dr. Markward Reginald, support the terrorists.

I am indeed, as Majority Leader Boehner so astutely suggested, much more interested in the protection and well-being of the terrorists than I am in that of my family, friends, and countrymen and women.

I am indeed, as Vice President Cheney so brilliantly concluded, far more interested in validating the strategy and tactics of al-Qaeda than I am in, for example, seeing to it that my house is not blown up.

I am indeed, as Secretary Rumsfeld so insightfully inferred, way, WAY more inclined to give the terrorists anything and everything they want rather than wiping them and their brutally misunderstood philosophies and justifiably homicidal tendencies from the face of the Earth.

How did they know?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve visited with my family and thought to myself, “This world would be so much better if only those people were tortured at the hands of Islamic fundamentalists.”

Or how often I look at my home and think, “You know what this place needs? A suicide bomber.”

And who among us hasn’t broken out our DVD special edition compilations of “The Tall One”’s proclamations and spend hours on the couch, nodding in agreement until our necks are ready to snap?

It strikes me as somewhat odd, though, and maybe someone out there can help me put my finger on it; but these feelings of sympathy- even encouragement- for the terrorists seem to intensify in the autumns of even-numbered years. Can anyone explain that?

I think it’s high time we on this side of the aisle just admit what the courageous Bush administration and their surrogates have been telling us all along.

Yes, we want the terrorists to win. No, we do not want this country to be safe. And yes, we want our friends and family to suffer unmercifully.

So I’m done pretending. From here on out, I hereby resolve to live an honest, pro-terror lifestyle. I will wake up every morning determined to damage the American system of government and the freedoms we currently enjoy (though too many of us are squandering those freedoms with silly solitary online protests and futile sarcastic rants). I will purchase, watch, and otherwise consume everything Michael Moore tells me to. I will invade the neighbor kid’s treehouse and declare it a safe haven for Osama Bin Laden. I will empty my sugar bowl and fill it with anthrax. I will leave unmarked backpacks filled with leftover Kerry/Edwards memorabilia in conspicuous public locations. I will write on money and tear the tags from mattresses. I will attend a gay wedding, and encourage others to “choose” homosexuality and then marry each other. And I will smile (some would even say, “smirk”) when discussing the war in Iraq.

It feels so good to say it out loud. It’s even freeing, if ironically so.

Go ahead, say it.

I don’t know about you, but I feel as though an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. And now that it has, I’m ready to have it smashed back down on me, across my back and in my face, repeatedly and without conscience…

…Until the terrorists get whatever they want.

Thanks to this week's sponsor!

The good people at Slippery Palms agreed to underwrite this week's contents without ever having even once heard of, seen, or sensed the presence of your Catchpenny.


We salute their adventurous spirit, as well as their insanely moronic spending practices.

"Cheap Joke of the Day" for 10/24/05

"Cheap Joke of the Day" for 10/17/05

"Cheap Joke of the Day" for 10/11/05

Knock knock.Who's there?Harriet.Harriet Who?Harriet my nomination and now I'm doomed. Doooooooomed!

It's been eight days since President Bush announced White House Counsel Harriet Miers as his nominee to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the U.S. Supreme Court.

With each day that has passed since last Monday, new details have emerged about Miers' background. Pundits and less annoying observers have been scouring these tidbits for glimpses into Miers' personal politics, as well as clues as to how she would rule in certain cases that might come before the Court.

Some of what has come to light about Harriet Miers has already proven to be disconcerting- one might even call it "not undisconcerting"- to conservative politicians and thinkers.

So then, what is it about Harriet Miers that has right-wingers all fidgety?

• She donated $1,000 to Al Gore's 1988 presidential campaign.
  

• Her law firm gave $1,000 to Hillary Clinton's 2000 senatorial campaign.
  

• She once personally exhumed Franklin Delano Roosevelt, handed him $1,000, and encouraged him to run for a seat in the U.S. Congress. Roosevelt's silence was his refusal.
  

• Hates guns. Hates 'em. Unlike most conservatives, Miers would like to melt down all weapons and use the material to build an awkward piece of modern art dedicated to world peace and graham crackers.
  

• Loves gays. Loves 'em. Unlike most conservatives, Miers does not want to melt down all gays and lesbians and use the material to build new weapons to make up for those destroyed in the name of world peace and graham crackers.
  

• She is now- and has always been- a member of the Communist Party.
  

• She drives a Prius.
  

• Thinks President Bush is "cool," but feels the same way about Howard Stern, 2 Live Crew, and Paula Poundstone.
  

• She spent an autumn day in 1997 distributing condoms in a Texas public school, with such enthusiasm and dedication that she had to be treated for physical exhaustion and dehydration.
  

• Her Prius has a vanity license plate that reads, "4ABORSHUN."
  

• She once assisted in her own (unsuccessful) suicide.
  

• Consistently chooses paper over plastic.
  

• Faked the Apollo 11 moon landing.
  

• Her Prius's vanity license plate was made entirely of recycled metal and crafted by a group of prisoners, all of whom had death sentences that were commuted by Democratic governors.
  

• She cannot read or write.
  

But other than that, she's perfectly qualified.

Hey, James Dobson likes her, so she must be awesome.

Right?

"Cheap Joke of the Day" 10/10/05

"Cheap Joke of the Day" for 10/4/05

Told ya we'd be right back...

Please forgive our inactivity.

Some of you (okay, probably just my father) may have noticed that we have not posted a new item in nearly two weeks.

Rest assured that your Catchpenny has not left you forever. We have neither died, nor lapsed into a coma, nor endeavored to watch Meet Joe Black whilst sipping a Valium & Jim Beam smoothie.

Rather, The Catchpenny is moving into a new office, replete with all the articles of modern comfort that were lacking in our old headquarters; namely, walls, a ceiling, and an inflatable ball pit capable of supporting the combined weight of four (4) big-boned urban professionals, one of whom was only recently fitted with a sparkling new stainless steel pelvis.

Think of us as merely a sleeping giant. In a ball pit.

We will return shortly. Honest.

"Specious Inquisition" for 9/21/05

"Cheap Joke of the Day" for 9/16/05

"Specious Inquisition" for 9/14/05

"Cheap Joke of the Day" for 9/14/05

"Cheap Joke of the Day" for 9/13/05

"Specious Inquisition" for 9/10/05

Isn't this a little like telling Al Capone to get back in his house?

He's still the director.

"6 and 12" for 9/10/05or"DeLay'ed Response"

While visiting Katrina evacuees at the Houston Astrodome Friday morning, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay stopped to speak with three young boys resting on cots.

With reporters watching, DeLay actually, honest-to-Santa said this to the kids:

"Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?"

Apparently not sure what else to do, the boys nodded, and DeLay moved on to his next horrible embarrassment.

So what else does DeLay consider "fun"?

6 examples:

• Starving
  

• Drowning
  

• Watching friends and relatives die
  

• Living in your own waste
  

• Losing your home and all possessions
  

• Searching for missing loved ones
  

  
  

Gee, that all sounds like a hoot to us. But perhaps- just perhaps- we're not being entirely fair to Captain Compassion- uh, I mean, Tom DeLay.

So what about outside of the context of Hurricane Katrina? Your Catchpenny is on it.

We made a few calls**, and here's what we discovered.

12 other things that Commander Givesashit enjoys:

• The WNBA
  

• The smooth, refreshing taste of motor oil
  

• Hammering rusty spikes into one's own urethra
  

• Robert's Rules of Order
  

• Being stuck in an elevator with Carrot Top
  

• Doin' it with lobbyists
  

• Candy Corn
  

• Prostate exams
  

• Bette Midler
  

• The smell of burning hair
  

• According to Jim
  

• Professional wrasslin'
  

  
  

**The phone calls we made were to a phone sex line. The telehooker with whom we repeatedly spoke- a lovely young lady who goes by the pseudonym "Ann Coulter"- was surprisingly, almost creepily full of information on Mr. DeLay. So we owe a big debt of gratitude to you, Miss "Coulter."

"Cheap Joke of the Day" for 9/8/05