Okay, fine, I admit it: I support the terrorists.

"I listen to my Democratic friends and I wonder if they're more interested in protecting the terrorists than protecting the American people."
-- House Majority Leader John Boehner, Tuesday, 9/12/06

“…Suggestions, for example, that we should withdraw U.S. forces from Iraq, simply feed into that whole notion, validates the strategy of the terrorists.”
-- Vice President Dick Cheney on MTP, Sunday, 9/10/06

“With the growing lethality and the increasing availability of weapons, can we truly afford to believe that somehow, some way, vicious extremists can be appeased?”
-- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Tuesday, 8/29/06

I have a confession to make. I give up. They nailed me. I, Dr. Markward Reginald, support the terrorists.

I am indeed, as Majority Leader Boehner so astutely suggested, much more interested in the protection and well-being of the terrorists than I am in that of my family, friends, and countrymen and women.

I am indeed, as Vice President Cheney so brilliantly concluded, far more interested in validating the strategy and tactics of al-Qaeda than I am in, for example, seeing to it that my house is not blown up.

I am indeed, as Secretary Rumsfeld so insightfully inferred, way, WAY more inclined to give the terrorists anything and everything they want rather than wiping them and their brutally misunderstood philosophies and justifiably homicidal tendencies from the face of the Earth.

How did they know?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve visited with my family and thought to myself, “This world would be so much better if only those people were tortured at the hands of Islamic fundamentalists.”

Or how often I look at my home and think, “You know what this place needs? A suicide bomber.”

And who among us hasn’t broken out our DVD special edition compilations of “The Tall One”’s proclamations and spend hours on the couch, nodding in agreement until our necks are ready to snap?

It strikes me as somewhat odd, though, and maybe someone out there can help me put my finger on it; but these feelings of sympathy- even encouragement- for the terrorists seem to intensify in the autumns of even-numbered years. Can anyone explain that?

I think it’s high time we on this side of the aisle just admit what the courageous Bush administration and their surrogates have been telling us all along.

Yes, we want the terrorists to win. No, we do not want this country to be safe. And yes, we want our friends and family to suffer unmercifully.

So I’m done pretending. From here on out, I hereby resolve to live an honest, pro-terror lifestyle. I will wake up every morning determined to damage the American system of government and the freedoms we currently enjoy (though too many of us are squandering those freedoms with silly solitary online protests and futile sarcastic rants). I will purchase, watch, and otherwise consume everything Michael Moore tells me to. I will invade the neighbor kid’s treehouse and declare it a safe haven for Osama Bin Laden. I will empty my sugar bowl and fill it with anthrax. I will leave unmarked backpacks filled with leftover Kerry/Edwards memorabilia in conspicuous public locations. I will write on money and tear the tags from mattresses. I will attend a gay wedding, and encourage others to “choose” homosexuality and then marry each other. And I will smile (some would even say, “smirk”) when discussing the war in Iraq.

It feels so good to say it out loud. It’s even freeing, if ironically so.

Go ahead, say it.

I don’t know about you, but I feel as though an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. And now that it has, I’m ready to have it smashed back down on me, across my back and in my face, repeatedly and without conscience…

…Until the terrorists get whatever they want.