Philip Morris honors Peter Jennings

Four months and two days after announcing to the world that he would undergo chemotherapy for the lung cancer with which he had only recently been diagnosed, ABC's Peter Jennings succumbed to that cancer and died last night at the age of 67.

Deserving memorials have poured in from around the globe, and we at The Catchpenny add our voice to the throng of media observers honoring Jennings today and recognizing the sea change in news reporting of which his passing is symbolic.

With that said, we do feel the need to point out one of the more unusual Jennings tributes to be proposed thus far. Last night, we (and by "we," I mean "I") could not sleep, as a result of both the contemplative mood in which Jennings' sad death put us and a raging meth addiction.

Just after 3 a.m., we stumbled upon this:

Philip Morris calls for "21-butt salute" to honor Jennings

Philip Morris USA, the nation's largest cigarette company and manufacturer of such brands as Marlboro, Virginia Slims, Parliament, Pavement Lights, Nico-Teenies ("The cigarettes for fetuses!"), Butt Secs, and Gravediggerz, among many others, has joined the television-viewing multitudes in noting the death of an industry giant, Peter Jennings of ABC News. Jennings, who was 67, passed away late Sunday night, the victim of the lung cancer he revealed in April. The newsman began smoking at the age of 13, but quit the habit in 1988, only taking it up again briefly following the events of September 11, 2001.

With this in mind, the tobacco conglomerate is calling for every American citizen to smoke 21 cigarettes within the next 24 hours, both to honor Jennings' memory and to remind themselves of the hazards that come with quitting smoking.

"This is something that we are taking very seriously at Philip Morris USA," said company spokesman Bernard Nettleton. "To those who would say, 'Sure, I quit smoking; what's the worst that could happen to me?', I say today, 'Look at Peter Jennings. He was a quitter, too, and now he's gone.'"

And to those who would accuse Nettleton and his bosses of illogical, batshit insane reasoning?

"To them," Nettleton said, "I would say, 'Prove me wrong, College Boy, what with your 'research' and your 'slide rules' and your 'grape taffy.'"

Reached for comment at his usual undisclosed location, Vice President Dick "Don't Call Me Penis" Cheney offered his support for Philip Morris' tribute.

"Bigtime," Cheney said, his baboon heart flailing vainly in his chest, his adamantium claws at the ready, his soul a hollow, tar-coated walnut shell. "Go fuck yourself."

President George W. Bush could not be reached for comment, as he was busy engaging Cindy Sheehan in a free and thoughtful discussion on the merits and pitfalls of the war in Iraq. (Cindy Sheehan's son, Casey, was killed there last year, and she has been holding a solitary protest since Saturday on the outskirts of Bush's ranch in Crawford, TX.)

Just kidding. Bush is playing Donkey Kong.

While perhaps unique for now, rest assured that Philip Morris' "21-butt" homage to Jennings will not mark the end of potentially-unhealthy payments of last respects to late celebrities.

The National Rifle Association (FEMA) is already planning an all-out tribute to be held after the death of their former president and Wayne's World 2 star Charlton Heston, wherein they will invite each American firearm owner to inflict two gunshot wounds to his or her own head in honor of Heston and his beloved Second Amendment, which protects citizens' rights "to bear arms and to arm bears in preparation for the coming alliance between Man and Beast." After Heston has been properly mourned, he will be cremated and buried in a .22-caliber shell casing, but not before the rings have been pried from his cold, dead hands.

The other famous grief display currently being organized is for "King of Pop" Michael Jackson, whose death will cause the entire North American Man/Boy Love Association to spontaneously combust.