A reminder that life goes on...

Amid the turmoil along the Gulf Coast and the debates reignited by the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist, we discovered this item buried in today's news wires:

Bush declares ‘end of major combat operations’ in The Great Galactic War

“My fellow Americans, the Zebulonians have been defeated.”

With that statement, President George W. Bush announced the conclusion of the first and most dangerous stage of The United States’ armed occupation of Zebulon IV, the third moon of the planet Quarzax in the Alpha Centauri system.

Bush, dressed in a “Tinri Bor,” the traditional Zebulonian garb of victory, appeared Friday as a hologram on the deck of the American starcruiser, the U.S.S. Han Solo as it sat in hard dock on the rim of Saturn’s ninth ring. The address was broadcast to all reaches of space, including Earth via CNN and Al-Jazeera, and Zebulon IV via MSNBC, where Zebulonian native son Lester Holt is an interstellar sensation.

In his twenty-minute presentation, standing before an enormous banner reading “Kolmder Vrincinet” (the Zebulonian phrase for “enormous banner”), Bush praised the American starfighter squadrons for their collective valor, especially the Fourth Interstellar Division, of whom ten pilots were lost to crashes and to the Ensth, a poisonous space eel guarding the Ileneph Asteroid Field near Zebulon IV.

Bush cautioned that while Americans may be rejoicing at the news that many of their loved ones are on their way home, and celebrating the fall of Zebulonian tyrant and alleged terrorist mastermind Vifrilor Hussein (no relation), there still remains some considerable, though far less dangerous, work ahead.

“The clashes may be over between the valiant Americans and the treacherous Zebulonians, who I am confident are planning no further counterstrikes of insurgencies or gee, I don’t know, waiting to ambush our soldiers at every turn,” Bush said. “But our task is not totally completioned. In the coming months, America will call on our closest allies, including the British, the Kryptonians, and Halliburton, to aid in the process of rebuilding Zebulon IV and making it safe for democracy. Within six months, we will turn governing authority over to an appointed body of good, freedom-loving Zebulonians. We are confident that nothing- least of all photos of nude Zebulonian detainees in compromising positions- will threaten our progress or timeline.”

The United States invaded Zebulon IV in mid-August after repeated attempts to convince the Zebulonians to increase production and exportation to America of dicarbonite crystals, which provide power to Area 51 and to Dick Cheney.