"6 and 12" for 9/3/05

We’ve all seen the Katrina coverage, so let’s get right to it…

Other than "Hang in there,"

6 expressions of comfort/encouragement offered by President George W. Bush to the victims of Hurricane Katrina…

• "Sucks to be you, huh?"
• "We must save Social Security now, and I have a plan to do it; and if y’all aren’t too busy right now, I’d like to tell ya ‘bout it."

• "Holy crap, y’all should see the big screen TV I just got installed at the ranch. I’m tellin’ ya, this baby’s a 67-incher with HDTV and the whole shootin’ match. It’s amazin’; you can see everything on it, and the picture is friggin’ beautiful. In fact, last week I was watchin’ Waterworld on this sucker, and it was unreal. Great movie, by the way."

• "Do y’all always keep your dead neighbors just lyin’ in the street like this?"

• "I know just the thing to cheer you folks right up; the America Supports You Freedom Walk on September 11. Y’all should come on up to Washington for it; Clint Black’s gonna be playin’ a concert, and he rules. Am I right? Poor people like country music, don’t ya?"

• "So how ‘bout them Saints?"

  
  
  

…And 12 reasons Bush has given for the much-reported delays in getting government assistance to the Gulf Coast.

• Bush had to send away for a map of the United States from National Geographic magazine, and then study that map to make sure that these so-called "Louisiana" and "Mississippi" and "Alabama" places were real, and not concoctions of the liberal media.

• The government could not do anything without Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, and as Katrina was coming ashore, Chertoff was having a delicate plastic surgery procedure performed on his face; a process known in medical circles as "Severe Emergency Re-Eviling."

• "I didn’t fricking feel like it," said Bush. "Okay? What am I, in charge now or something? Jesus."

• Hurricane wiped out New Orleans rather than such paler-hued towns as: Greenwich, Connecticut; Wichita, Kansas; or Lower Melanin, Georgia.

• "It’s simple," said Bush. "Responding promptly and effectively to Hurricane Katrina is exactly what the storm would have expected us to do. If we’re going to fight these hurricanes properly, we must not be predictable in our movements. By not doing anything at all, I am certain that we confused Katrina into submission. After all, Katrina’s not around anymore, is she? See? We have emerged victorious. Mission accomplished.

  "Just think how bad the situation would be now if we had actually done something a week ago. You think about it, because I certainly don’t want to."

• Why didn’t Bush leave the comfort of his Crawford, Texas ranch as Katrina was bearing down on the coastline? Two words (well, one word and one number): Madden 2006.

• "I was busy dealing with Hurricanes Jenna and Barbara," Bush said, gesturing with his hands. "Glug glug, you know what I mean? Slurpy slurpy? Pukey pukey? You think cleaning up New Orleans is gonna be bad? Try dealing with these two gin-soaked cupcakes."

• "Look," he said. "I was on vacation for a long time. There’s a lotta shit you gotta patch up after a month off, like holes in the ranch house walls or my deviated septum. This crap takes time to patch up, to heal. I’m not that dude from The Crow or, you know, Patch Adams."

• Everybody was busy visiting Vice President Cheney at his undisclosed location. The well-wishers- including Bush, Chertoff, and FEMA Director Michael Brown, among many others- were said to have left flowers with Cheney, who was reportedly looking a little "stony" and "buried in a cemetery" during their visit.

• Bush, Chertoff, Brown, and others were working hard last week to figure out how they would publicly defend their lack of leadership and action, and so therefore simply had no time to actually exhibit leadership and take action.

• While in Crawford last weekend, Bush said that he kept meaning to catch "Local on the 8’s" on the Weather Channel, but that every time he flipped back to it, he discovered that he had just missed it. "It was annoying," he said, "but what are ya gonna do? I tried."

• And the final reason: Bush admitted Friday that he had no reason to put up a fight against Katrina, as Katrina had never tried to have his father (former president George H. W. Wuntermer) assassinated.

  Said the President: "When there’s no revenge factor, it really takes the fun out of stuff."